Today would have been...

As I headed to see and spend some time with Ella this morning, it occured to me that today was the day.

The day that, had Ella been healthy, I would have had to return to work. Not only would have had to stop spending my days with my baby girl, today would have been the day that she would have had to join daycare, or be with with a caretaker other than her dad or myself. I just started to ball at the thought that Ella and I will never get to experience so many of those moments that you never think you will be robbed of...

Instinctively, I've blocked off the thoughts of milestones. And as silly as it is, I was just two days ago writing to another angel mommy about the need to celebrate the milestones and to embrace the ones we will never get to see. The only milestone I was focused on for the last few months was Ella's first birthday. And while I drove myself mad to make sure all was perfect on that day, and it almost was, it never occured to me that today would be the day to make me break down again...

Afterall, I thought I was doing okay. Keeping Ella's memories safe and secure not only in my heart but in a few special boxes in the living room where I can always access them as I need to. In there, if you know where to look, you'll find her birth certificate, her hospital bracelets (I've kept them all), her first princess sticker and her first snoopy bandaid. The pictures of her as a tiny peanut, in my tummy, The picture cds and videos I've copied so that if I lose the data on my computer, I don't lose her. There is also a tooth case which is empty... and her baby book which I still have not had the strength to complete....

Today would have been the day....

Instead, today was the day that I went for one of my weekly therapies, feeling like I had to more than I wanted to - a couple of hours at the barn, surrounded by nothing but horses who instinctivey know that my heart is broken and my soul is soul-less. And as I focus on connecting with the horses, I reflect on the fact that today is a gift that Ella has given me.

You see, Ella and I were supposed to make horses our thing. While I've done it all my life, Vancouver and horses had not yet equated. There was too much work, not enough money, too much to do... You know the drill and the excuses... But a few weeks after Ella passed away, I knew that if I ever wanted to stay alive, I had to go back to my roots and focus on something that throughout my life had brought me peace and happiness. And that focus comes with horses. I'd contacted a young lady who took heart to my story and brought me in to the barn where she keeps her mare. I was meant to try out her mare but chickened out. I did however that day make a commitment to ride again, and I have. It only makes sense since there were so many signs Ella was sending me: the young lady I connected with is from Mtl, she's got an advertising background like I do, we both share a passion for photography and most importantly, her mare's name is Lilly - one of my top picks for Ella before she was born. Some would say it's just coincidence. I say, it's Ella pointing me the way.

And today was the day that after 4 months, I found myself giggling on a horse as I jumped a fence with so much "override" I nearly fell off.

Though she's always with me, today is the day that Ella and I both rode together truly for the first time.