Quite a few of my friends were worried. The bottom line is I chose to protect and keep myself safe of any further worry and anxiety by removing myself from a situation which, though it had wonderful potential at the time, included an element that hit by surprise and too close to home, at least for now. A meltdown did follow and though it lingered, in the spirit of continuing to honour Ella by rediscovering myself, I aim to move forward again, but mostly I choose to be gentle to myself.
I am trying to include new elements to my days (for Ella, so that I can now see new things for her and I at once) and more structured activities so that I continue to progress.
While I live minutes from the beach, I have not taken advantage of the ocean's beauty and serenity very much this summer. The heart was not in it, and I was afraid that I'd betray Ella by doing what I should be doing with her, without her... Turns out I need to do it without her physically with me, for me and with her in spirit. Not my choice but I don't really have a choice on the matter, do I!
So, I've started to integrate daily walks by the ocean, to keep myself fit but also to allow my heart to grieve. I do it without music, and just with my thoughts which most times go in a million directions and which also sometimes happen to be quite harsh toward myself, as well as toward others... I know I need to transfer those harsh and negative thoughts into positive ones but it does not always work. Most of the time, there are tears, as there are almost always when I am in my car, between my home and the cemetary...
But not every day is covered in tears anymore. They come in waves now, generally as I leave people who are dear to me as they return to their happy lives, when I go see my baby girl, still when I see a mom enjoying a private moment with her child, a dad holding sharing life with a baby or when I talk to my or Ella's dad's family and close friends.
Amongst the tears are puntuated moments of joy, like when Emma, Ella's best friend who is turning 2 tomorrow, ran into my arms and told me "love you Yo". My heart melted with joy on the spot, only to be swollen with tears later on that day when I realized I will never hear Ella say I love you mom.... Regardless of the tears, that afternoon with Emma, Danielles (Ella's Godmother) and her husband Chris was a good one, partly because of the company, partly because of the sun, partly because it was my first picnic at the beach of the summer, and partly because of the formations of Canada geese that I saw that day - another sign of my girl.
I finally made it to Trout Lake - it only took me 4 years! - and though it was a very bitter sweet day, I kept finding myself so amazed at how the moutains were so beautiful over the lake and the willow trees. I am blessed that Ella allows me to see nature in a whole new way.
Last night, I took another step toward being gentle to myself and getting back to my old person. I simply went to see a movie I very much wanted to see, by myself. I used to do that so often a few years ago, and I just did not know if I could. Fortunately, a very good choice of movie to distract me, and a stranger in the line up commenting on the heart necklace I wear daily because Ella wears the other part of it, made it a beautiful night.Although the thoughts of returning to work at some point creep up in my head with vibrations of anxiety, I now know that my road on this journey MUST include taking care of me, being gentle to me.
Thanks Ella for helping me learn at 41 how to stop worrying and how to focus on me!
One person very dear to my heart lost her dad this year and she went on a pilgrimage in Europe, in his honour. While I cannot physically, financially and most importantly mentally do that just yet, I know the time will come when I am able and willing to travel again, and she can see all through my eyes.
Baby steps they say. I say, every day is a new day and I never know what it is going to bring.
No comments:
Post a Comment