Blessings

As I returned from spending some time with Ella today, it occured to me that there are so many experiences I have not written about yet, so I'm now going to aim to put pen to paper, or key to screen actually, every day to immortalize memories as best as I can.

There are so many things to write about: how so wonderfully supportive my family and friends have been in helping me work through this ordeal; how so many of Ella's caregivers are now tucked in my heart as my friends and family are for all they have done for her, and for my family; what a wonderful day I had on Ella's first birthday and in the days prior to it to prepare it, baking my heart out and planning a full on birthday party for my baby girl; how generous my friends and her dad's friends have been in supporting Ella's memories...

For tonight, I'll settle on counting my blessings.
The blessings that come clearer in the sky when I am feeling more at peace.
The blessings that take form in my old and new friends who worry about me, who support me, who love me and care for me.
The blessings for my mom and dad who through this painful time have both been rocks for me in their own rights.
The blessings that I can see a pretty flower and say thank you to Ella for opening my eyes to it.
The blessings that Ella, though she did not have the lungs for it, spent almost 8 months being a happy, smiley girl who most of the time did not know she was sick.
The blessings that I have so many mementos of her: her clothes, her toys, her lifecast hands and feet, her pictures, her videos and all my memories.
The blessings that bring old friends together to share very special moments which make you whole again.
The blessings of strangers, like Maria the grand-mother I met at the cemetary, the clerk at the store who gave Ella an angel, the Global/Virgin One Radio Morning/ Ocean Radio Morning/BCCH Foundation for all their tireless efforts and support.
The blessings of nurses who like Jane from Now I lay Me Down to Sleep took multiple pictures of Ella with her family in the days before she got her wings.
The blessings of doctors who fought so hard to figure out what was going on with my girl, and to save her.
The blessings of Rachel, a fellow mom at BCCH who was by my side when Ella gave us the biggest warning sign of what was to come and whom brought me an angel coin which I carry with me everywhere still to bring me strength and peace.
The blessings of Martine who before we flew to Montreal offered all her baby gear to make Ella comfortable on our trip.
The blessings that I can now spend some time with friends and their babies - and appreciate life with them.
And the blessings of Jennifer, a woman who saw our story on the Telethon and donated to BCCH in Ella's name because of it.

While my eyes and ears are not always tuned on to these blessings (and those mentionned here are only a few of ten s of thousands of blessings we've had thanks to Ella), Ella's is sending them to me, always. I just have to carefully listen to, see, taste, touch and smell them. And to be able to do so, I am now engaging in a process or self re-discovery. By myself, with my friends, with my family, with my therapist, with the grief counsellor, with my chaplain at BCCH and eventually, maybe one day, with a man who will love me for and in spite of all the tribulations I have been through in the last two years and who will want to be part of my and Ella's lives and possibly her brother or sister I hope to bring in to this world one day.

In the meantime, I will continue to count my blessings.