How?

How do I? How do I get myself to a place where I am at peace?
How can I? When you are up there on your cloud instead of being right here with me, in my arms...
How do I? How do I stop the hurt from over powering me every day when I know if you had lived you'd be doing something new for me to rejoice over?
How do I? How do I deal with the thousands of questions I have in my head on how this could have happened to you?
How can I? How can I stop the guilty feelings I have that I somehow caused your illness?
How do I? How do I turn time back time, to a day where you were healthy and happy?
How do I? How do I cope when everyone around has returned to their own lives and I am left with an empty one?
How will I? How will I react when I finally get answers on what’s to come?

Hows are the big questions. And they leave me so empty of answers at this stage. I am doing all I need to be doing to "fix" myself and I know I am making progress. Yet I feel still, after almost 5 months, like it's 1 step forward, 3 steps backwards. And that's on a good day!

My heart aches for the fact that your dad and I cannot find the right way to communicate and grieve together. My heart screams for you to come see me in my dreams.

I miss your touch, I miss your smell, I miss your smile. I miss my baby girl and I am terrified that time will rob my memories of you and that they will fade away.

Don't ever leave me. I need you by my side. Always.