Blessings From High Above

I started my day today feeling a bit lazy. Last night was Halloween, and instead of being with my almost 15-month-to-be daughter, I spent the evening with friends. Really good friends. Friends who are good for your soul. But not really by choice (and please don't think I was unhappy to be there, because I wasn't) but rather because it was a necessity. A way for me to cope with the reality of it all... The reality of my daughter's passing and how any kind of special day/holiday sends me for a spin...

Unlike yesterday, my day today started with a huge ray of sunshine in my heart. Yesterday, well, that was another story... In other words, a very tough one...

Even though we were blessed with an absolute beautiful, warm and sunny autumn day - the kind of day that makes you long for the East - my heart was not in it and I had to force myself to go through the motion and get through it.

I've become an expert by now at faking it. Faking a celebration... Faking a smile... Faking to look remotely "normal" and happy. And then, I decided to blog about Ella. I recapped a text I wrote for Ella's Supercommunity for BCCH - about Ella's first crush, Ryan. And as I copied and pasted the old text, I decided to re-read it and make minor corrections to it. And then, well I added more meat to it, turning it into a thank you to nursing staff who took such wonderful care of my little Ella.

And that's when the shadows in my heart turned into a ray of sunshine. Ella was showing me a way to overturn those feeling of ache and make them positive again. Every single time I've gone down with major cases of the blues, it has been around special days and I've learned to cope by taking care of my BCCH family. Why would this day be any different than the other holidays, really?

So I went shopping and then I started to bake! Gutted a pumpkin and made pumpkin soup. And then baked some chocolate pumpkin cupcakes. All throughout the afternoon, I was driven by one goal - bring a little bit of Halloween to the staff at BCCH on 3M where Ella spent her first and only Halloween, and to the parents of kiddies on the ward. And when I was done, I remembered those parents I'd met at Thanksgiving and thought "I still have a pumpkin, and everything left to do more cakes, so I need to continue". And I did :)

By 6 pm, I was walking in to BCCH, bags of goodies in hands. There was cakes for the staff of 3M and ICU, some candies for the 3M staff and soup + cupcakes for the parents of both 3M and ICU. As I laid the tables in each area with food and the appropriate plastic settings, I was fortunate to meet a few parents and talk to the staff, all very grateful for the gesture. And just as quickly as I came in, I was out the door! Not without thoughts for little ones I knew back when Ella was in the hospital: T who was going to be dressed as Elmo (costume made by nursing staff for him), F who hopefully was dressed as a very cute little lady bug (a gift from Ella to her on the day she met her new family). And then there was a special thought for another little one who I did not meet but was wishing so well: a little boy or girl I am not sure, but one who was to receive the Dalmatian outfit I left on 3M earlier this week for a family to enjoy.

And so, with that afternoon of "cooking therapy" I was energized for a lovely evening. I made it to the party in time to see the darling little Emma, Ella's best girlfriend, all dressed up in the ladybug outfit I got for her. And although Emma was getting grumpier and grumpier because she was so tired, I got a huge hug and a "Love you" that went straight to my heart! And so started my evening among friends... Friends that are good for your soul... Friends that care for you... Friends that love you for who you are...

That feeling of being loved and content carried on to morning. Yes, I was lazy but I could be since we had an extra hour to spare. But noooooo, no late morning for me because the call of horses was being heard!

I made my way to the barn to witness the costumed classes of the schooling show I was participating in. It has been 20+ years since I've shown, in a real show or a school one. And I was energized, but terrified... Wearing my pink proudly for Ella (in a school show, you don't need the mandatory outfit), I warmed up and it felt good. And as I got on course, my fear intensified.... I went through the motion of the first course and just like I had done when I was 8, I forgot to breathe... And by the second course, it had all come back to me... How good it feels to be in the saddle again... How sweet it is to have a 1,000 pound animal share in on your partnership... How much I loved showing... How good it is to breathe... And yes, I did and I still do. And I will tomorrow too!

Today, as I was showing, I had Ella in my heart, in my pocket (her picture), on my neck (the heart pendant we share) and I had Chelsea to help me through it. Chelsea, a wonderful old (she is 27) and safe Arabian mare who despite her very grumpy moods melts your heart when she snuggles you... After snatching a ribbon, a 3rd no less and regardless of a big mistake on part, I decided it was time to say thank you. So I headed to see my girl. And as I sat by her side, under a full sun and told her about the great day I just had, I knew she already knew it, that she'd seen me through it. But I just had to tell her and say thank you. And as I started to sing to her, my voice gave out, and my tears came in. Ella and I were supposed to enjoy horses together. It was supposed to be "our" thing. But when I got in to my car, I realized that it already was. Right there in my car as I sat down was a ladybug on my sleeve. She made her way to my hair (Ella always, always played with my hair when I rocked her) and after I tried to capture a photo of it, I stepped outside,, She just stayed there for a second more before flying into the wind...

And that my friends are the blessings from high above. The blessings that Ella gives me every second of every minute of every hour of every day...

The weight of it all...

Today is Ella's 13-month birthday and I find myself with a big chip on my shoulder. It's been there for a long time, but it's been getting heavier in the last month.

I know it is a recurring theme but I really thought I was making progress and realized this past week that maybe it's all in my head, and just a front...

Since Ella's first year birthday, I've been feeling heavy and blue. My bones aches, my heart is shatterred in even more pieces and my mind goes numb - every single day and for what seems longer, and longer every day... I find myself retreating from certain situations and having difficulty getting motivated, and concentrating. Doing simple tasks are weighing on me...

Yet, I am still doing all I need to do - eating (well, as well as I can right now, appetite is not there and neither is a desire to cook), seeing my doctor regularly, undergoing therapy - the real kind and the ones that is brought about by horses, the ones who truly, truly make me whole for a couple of hours a week - and spending a bit of time every once in a while with people who look out for my well being at BCCH. I know I need to exercise more, but right now, I'm having trouble. It's like I have a 50-pound weight attached to me daily, and I have to drag it all around...

And even thouigh I feel very heavy and sad, yesterday I was able to be strong, for an hour or so, from someone who needed me - a fellow angel mom who was going through a rougher period than I was. I was there for her, and I was happy to be. She, just like other angel moms have been there for me when I needed it. It's like we know when the other is down and we move in.... But then, later on in the day, I wanted to be able to share my grief with the very one person that knows it first hand. What was meant to be a call out for help turned into another ackward texting argument with bitterness all around, and then, my knees buckled from the weight....

Through it all, I am fortunate to have dear friends around me who look out for me. Eric, with whom I had savoury desserts last night when I really needed a distraction from the heavyness of the day.... Sebastian who I met for breakfast this morning when I barely had the strength to get up... And Lisa, who was there to get me through what would hve been a rough afternoon...

And then later today, as I headed to spend time at the barn as I do every Monday - an activity that is my saving grace and has been since 14 days after Ella passed away - I ached. I just was not feeling it... I just did not want to be there... But I know how good I feel when I actually ride so I dragged myself... And then Chelsea did the rest!

This sweet little mare has a grumpy side to her, but she is a sweetheart under the facade. She groans and nips but that's all it is - a facade and a way to protect herself. And I know that, because that's exactly how I am most days. I may appear joyful and happy - but that's all it is. A facade...

Anyway, Chelsea today was again my saving grace. Minutes after starting to care for her, my heart lifted as she snuggled and let me do just that - take care of her. As we headed out to the paddock and started our work, I commented on the fact that it was sunny and warm yet it drizzled, and said to my coach "The only thing missing is a rainbow"....

And then Ella did the rest...

Within a minute and barely there for 30 seconds, was this huge rainbow, right at the base of the paddock and looking over us.... I ended having a lot of fun today... Getting back to my old self on a horse, and really loving it... And then taking care of a grumpy mare that underneath it all is playful and loving...

I ended up with some actual weight off of my shoulder today thanks to my angel girl who I know looks down on me from Heaven... And tomorrow, I am hopeful that the weight will not be as heavy as I try not one, but two new activities on this journey I am on. First thing in the morning will be an attempt at yoga... And tomorrow evening, I am going to face my fears and my anger head on as I finally meet for the first time with fellow bereaved parents who also are on a journey they never wished to be on...

Today would have been...

As I headed to see and spend some time with Ella this morning, it occured to me that today was the day.

The day that, had Ella been healthy, I would have had to return to work. Not only would have had to stop spending my days with my baby girl, today would have been the day that she would have had to join daycare, or be with with a caretaker other than her dad or myself. I just started to ball at the thought that Ella and I will never get to experience so many of those moments that you never think you will be robbed of...

Instinctively, I've blocked off the thoughts of milestones. And as silly as it is, I was just two days ago writing to another angel mommy about the need to celebrate the milestones and to embrace the ones we will never get to see. The only milestone I was focused on for the last few months was Ella's first birthday. And while I drove myself mad to make sure all was perfect on that day, and it almost was, it never occured to me that today would be the day to make me break down again...

Afterall, I thought I was doing okay. Keeping Ella's memories safe and secure not only in my heart but in a few special boxes in the living room where I can always access them as I need to. In there, if you know where to look, you'll find her birth certificate, her hospital bracelets (I've kept them all), her first princess sticker and her first snoopy bandaid. The pictures of her as a tiny peanut, in my tummy, The picture cds and videos I've copied so that if I lose the data on my computer, I don't lose her. There is also a tooth case which is empty... and her baby book which I still have not had the strength to complete....

Today would have been the day....

Instead, today was the day that I went for one of my weekly therapies, feeling like I had to more than I wanted to - a couple of hours at the barn, surrounded by nothing but horses who instinctivey know that my heart is broken and my soul is soul-less. And as I focus on connecting with the horses, I reflect on the fact that today is a gift that Ella has given me.

You see, Ella and I were supposed to make horses our thing. While I've done it all my life, Vancouver and horses had not yet equated. There was too much work, not enough money, too much to do... You know the drill and the excuses... But a few weeks after Ella passed away, I knew that if I ever wanted to stay alive, I had to go back to my roots and focus on something that throughout my life had brought me peace and happiness. And that focus comes with horses. I'd contacted a young lady who took heart to my story and brought me in to the barn where she keeps her mare. I was meant to try out her mare but chickened out. I did however that day make a commitment to ride again, and I have. It only makes sense since there were so many signs Ella was sending me: the young lady I connected with is from Mtl, she's got an advertising background like I do, we both share a passion for photography and most importantly, her mare's name is Lilly - one of my top picks for Ella before she was born. Some would say it's just coincidence. I say, it's Ella pointing me the way.

And today was the day that after 4 months, I found myself giggling on a horse as I jumped a fence with so much "override" I nearly fell off.

Though she's always with me, today is the day that Ella and I both rode together truly for the first time.