The Power of One

On March 27...
One baby girl with a heart of gold...
And a will of steel...
Named after the greatest jazz singer of all times...
Received her so well-deserved wings...

On April 4, it was so clear....
Clearer than it had ever been...
That one little being...
Brought together so many people...
A hundred people...

People who conceived her...
People who are related to her...
People who loved her...
People who cared for her...
People who tried to save her...
People who looked after her...
People who prayed for her...
People who are her friends...
People who she touched with her smile...
People who's hearts melted when they saw and heard of her story...
People who called her a Saint...
People who did not know her but understood how great an impact Ella had all around her...

On April 30...
I publicly spoke of Ella's brave fight for the first time...
On a radiothon to raise funds for BCCHF...
And where I asked donors to help...
Ensure that no parent at BCCH goes without a chair to rock their baby... their child...
And then the phone began to ring....
And it rang...
And rang...

On June 14...
People came together...
To walk in Ella's memory...
After having raised thousands...
In tribute to her life....

On August 7...
On Ella's first birthday...
People celebrated a life so precious...
Reminiscing about how happy she made all...
And people generously donated...
Dollars and gifts in her memory...
For children of BCCH to have a brighter day...

By September 4...
Hundreds of gifts were distributed...
Throughout BCCH...
In memory of Ella...
Creatings smiles and giggles all around...

Yesterday, a request came....
And contact was made...
To seek donations of rockers...
For ICU at BCCH who desperately needs them...

Today, it was like a bolt of lightning...
That a few days from the six month anniversary of Ella's passing...
My one and only little angel continues...
To give me the strength and the sense of purpose...
I need to honour her and help BCCH kids and families...
Live a happier life....

Today Ella's Tribute Fund was committed...
For rocking chairs for ICU...
Today I participated in a research project...
For science to help mothers conceive...
Today, BCCH friends remembered my Angel with me...
Today Ella's beau, Gavin, fell asleep so soundly in my arm...
While his mom and I just enjoyed each other's company...

And at the end of the afternoon, as Gavin's started to wake with a giggle and smiles...
Ella Fitzgerald was playing in BCCH...
Just as it had at home and in the ICU throughout Ella's last week on earth...
This one song that more than any others connects me to my daughter...
And my heart filled with joy...
My eyes with tears...
"... the memory of all that
No they can't take that away from me
The way your smile just beams
The way you sing off key
The way you haunt my dreams
No they can't take that away from me..."

The power of my one little Ella is beyond...
Beyond what I'll ever imagine...
As she has touched people we love and some never knew...
Motivating so many more to live better lives...
And enabling me to create a foundation in her name.

That's the power of one...
One little rock-solid angel named Ella...

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

Inside and Out

As you read in my last few posts, the month of August - post Ella's birthday - has been rough. I would even say, very rough...

You see, a year ago, Ella, her Dad and I were as close to being a family as we ever were. And would be...

Ella was beautiful, vibrant, healthy, and happy. At least from the outside...

A year ago, I was on maternity leave, enjoying my time off, my life and my baby girl. A year ago I was blissful... At least from the outside...

This year, I am trying to mend the pieces of my heart, and of my soul... by myself. And definitely, starting from the inside...

I'm not sure if there is an actual cycle on this journey that I am on, but this weekend, after a pretty crappy period, I feel like something clicked inside again I realized I need to continue to do what I feel is right for me, in taking care of me. This feeling was very similar to the feeling I had when I chose to go back to horseback riding, back in April, to save myself from a guaranteed drowning in my sorrows. And to the feeling I had back in late May when I told Ella's dad we needed to separate, for otherwise I would continue to be miserable in this relationship that was going absolutely no where.

As hard as it is for someone who has always had everybody else's well being in mind before her own, I figured if I can't do it now, I will never, ever, be able to do it...

So, on Sunday, I chose to spend time with a dear friend to treat myself to yummy desserts. On Monday, it was my barn therapy and two more meetings with friends I had not seen in way too long. Tuesday there were two firsts - my first yoga lesson and my first bereavement parent support group meeting. Both were instrumental in keeping me focused on the positive, though I have to say both required a tremendous amount of energy.

The yoga for keeping my mind from wandering on to all the negatives that've plagued my life in the last years. And the bereavement group for facing 24 other parents who, like me, had their child taken away from them in horrible ways, but mostly for facing them on my own... as the only single parent in the group...

I made it through though... on both counts. And I know I am better for it.

And I will continue with both forms of therapies, as this is what I need now to regain some balance in my life before I rejoin the "real" world where everybody's got their own agenda cross to bear.

And then today, after months of not being able to think of me, I moved closer to getting myself in the right place - from the outside in - being pampered for a few hours before spending an hour shopping for a new piece of clothing. Clothing that is pink - for Ella was a pink girl and in her memory, I try to wear some pink every day...

All of this may seem very trivial to some, and not at all therapeutic to others but learning to put myself first is something I've always struggled with. My nickname in college was "Mom" - not because I had a child - but definitely because all I ever thought about was ensuring everyone else around me was okay...

And Ella's situation was no different. For the entire time Ella was hospitalized, the number of days I "took a break" can fit on basically one hand. And if that was not enough, the one time I went out to get pampered, a few weeks before Christmas last year, Ella's state got so bad, she went from the ward to the ICU with the doc stating at the time: "I don't care if they have a bed or not for her in ICU, if they don't, we'll build a wing for her!". I still remember turning my phone on after my appointment onlt to hear the nurse say "Ella's been transferred to ICU. Please drive carefully"...

We now know that Ella was very sick, all throughout her life, even though she never showed any definite and obvious signs until she was 2 months and 2 days old. If you've had the opportunity to speak with me, you know how guilty I feel about the fact that from the day she was born, I questioned her health - her breathing more specifically - only to be reassured by doctors and nurses who did not see Ella's problems for what they were... I often look back at pictures of Ella and can pin point exactly now how her body contorted because her lungs were so inflated... Little did we know at the time, but even the doctors who saw us every other week did not see it... I was just another stressed out new mom, or so every one thought...

Part of that inside and outside work will be for me to understand that there is nothing I could have done to save Ella.

That I was doing the best that I could to provide for my baby girl.

And that until the day that I die, I will do everything that I can, not only to find out what happened to my daughter but also everything in my power to honour her memory.

Every minute... Every hour... Every day... Every week... Every month... Every year...

For as long as I shall breathe...

Inside and out...

The weight of it all...

Today is Ella's 13-month birthday and I find myself with a big chip on my shoulder. It's been there for a long time, but it's been getting heavier in the last month.

I know it is a recurring theme but I really thought I was making progress and realized this past week that maybe it's all in my head, and just a front...

Since Ella's first year birthday, I've been feeling heavy and blue. My bones aches, my heart is shatterred in even more pieces and my mind goes numb - every single day and for what seems longer, and longer every day... I find myself retreating from certain situations and having difficulty getting motivated, and concentrating. Doing simple tasks are weighing on me...

Yet, I am still doing all I need to do - eating (well, as well as I can right now, appetite is not there and neither is a desire to cook), seeing my doctor regularly, undergoing therapy - the real kind and the ones that is brought about by horses, the ones who truly, truly make me whole for a couple of hours a week - and spending a bit of time every once in a while with people who look out for my well being at BCCH. I know I need to exercise more, but right now, I'm having trouble. It's like I have a 50-pound weight attached to me daily, and I have to drag it all around...

And even thouigh I feel very heavy and sad, yesterday I was able to be strong, for an hour or so, from someone who needed me - a fellow angel mom who was going through a rougher period than I was. I was there for her, and I was happy to be. She, just like other angel moms have been there for me when I needed it. It's like we know when the other is down and we move in.... But then, later on in the day, I wanted to be able to share my grief with the very one person that knows it first hand. What was meant to be a call out for help turned into another ackward texting argument with bitterness all around, and then, my knees buckled from the weight....

Through it all, I am fortunate to have dear friends around me who look out for me. Eric, with whom I had savoury desserts last night when I really needed a distraction from the heavyness of the day.... Sebastian who I met for breakfast this morning when I barely had the strength to get up... And Lisa, who was there to get me through what would hve been a rough afternoon...

And then later today, as I headed to spend time at the barn as I do every Monday - an activity that is my saving grace and has been since 14 days after Ella passed away - I ached. I just was not feeling it... I just did not want to be there... But I know how good I feel when I actually ride so I dragged myself... And then Chelsea did the rest!

This sweet little mare has a grumpy side to her, but she is a sweetheart under the facade. She groans and nips but that's all it is - a facade and a way to protect herself. And I know that, because that's exactly how I am most days. I may appear joyful and happy - but that's all it is. A facade...

Anyway, Chelsea today was again my saving grace. Minutes after starting to care for her, my heart lifted as she snuggled and let me do just that - take care of her. As we headed out to the paddock and started our work, I commented on the fact that it was sunny and warm yet it drizzled, and said to my coach "The only thing missing is a rainbow"....

And then Ella did the rest...

Within a minute and barely there for 30 seconds, was this huge rainbow, right at the base of the paddock and looking over us.... I ended having a lot of fun today... Getting back to my old self on a horse, and really loving it... And then taking care of a grumpy mare that underneath it all is playful and loving...

I ended up with some actual weight off of my shoulder today thanks to my angel girl who I know looks down on me from Heaven... And tomorrow, I am hopeful that the weight will not be as heavy as I try not one, but two new activities on this journey I am on. First thing in the morning will be an attempt at yoga... And tomorrow evening, I am going to face my fears and my anger head on as I finally meet for the first time with fellow bereaved parents who also are on a journey they never wished to be on...

Rainbow of Hope?

On July 23rd, 2009 I was basically a mess. Having a hard time dealing but thankfully friends were right by my side to cheer me on. On that night, Somewhere Over the Rainbow brought me to tears as I so wished I could be over that rainbow with my baby girl... And it became the subject of my blog.

Tonight, it is again about Somewhere Over the Rainbow....

As I prepared myself for what I felt was going to be yet another rough day (How does one know? You just know... How does one prepare? I really don't know other than have people who make you safe by your side), I heard that it was the 70th anniversary of Somewhere Over The Rainbow release by Judy Garland. I remember stopping on that specific thought - but then it went out of my head.

I went about my day as best as I could - my heart not really in it - but at least I tried. It was not a horrible day, just one where I felt numb for most of it, and sad. Just plain sad - although you probably could not tell by just looking at me.

But then at the end of the day, I made my way to see Ella. I didn't go see her yesterday so I was anxious to get there. And as it is so often the case, I just started to sob in my car and ended up crying almost all the way to the cemetary...

As I parked my car, it started to drizzle. Not unsual so far, afterall this is Vancouver! I grabbed my pink cushion (I've discovered that cemetary grass is moist most days and leaves marks - the hard way!), my pink gardener kit (it's for breast cancer research, but you get the idea - Ella was all about pink) to rearrange her flowers and stepped toward my girl. And then it saw it...

Right there, above Ella, was... a rainbow!

I stopped in my tracks, dropped everything from the surprise, and then started to cry. Not for sadness, but rather for joy. For the fact that Ella, I know, sent me a rainbow tonight. A beautiful rainbow, with a definite line of pink... And the rainbow stayed right above us, for the entire time I was with my girl...

I ended up going to catch a movie after seeing Ella. A fun comedy about life, love and serendipity. I came out feeling good about life again. Whether it goes onto tomorrow, I won't know just yet.

But I do know one thing. Ella sends me signs. How do I know? I often ask Ella for signs that she understands what is going on in my life, why I made/make the decisions that I do or for signs of what's to come. Today was one of those days of asking for a sign... And just like everytime I've asked her for sign, one came and I was able to read it.

There is an expression amongst bereaved mothers: rainbow baby... It means having a healthy baby after the passing of your child. Deep down, I've been wishing for that rainbow baby...

Not to forget about Ella. Not to replace Ella. But because I was meant to give life, not death. And because Ella deserves to have a brother or a sister that will love her well beyond my life is complete. And because I still want to continue to be a mother... I was and still am damn good at it! Although I know that if I am that blessed, I will be a basket case for the rest of life, worrying about my child...

Whether or not that could happen currently resides in one single medical answer - the one I am anxiously waiting to have and which probably will take another 6 weeks to arrive. Whether I am a carrier of a genetic condition that would explain Ella's illness...

In the meantime, I will just continue to think that Ella is giving me signs, and that today she was pointing the way to my rainbow baby... and so in the meantime, I will go on with my journey.