Rainbow of Hope?

On July 23rd, 2009 I was basically a mess. Having a hard time dealing but thankfully friends were right by my side to cheer me on. On that night, Somewhere Over the Rainbow brought me to tears as I so wished I could be over that rainbow with my baby girl... And it became the subject of my blog.

Tonight, it is again about Somewhere Over the Rainbow....

As I prepared myself for what I felt was going to be yet another rough day (How does one know? You just know... How does one prepare? I really don't know other than have people who make you safe by your side), I heard that it was the 70th anniversary of Somewhere Over The Rainbow release by Judy Garland. I remember stopping on that specific thought - but then it went out of my head.

I went about my day as best as I could - my heart not really in it - but at least I tried. It was not a horrible day, just one where I felt numb for most of it, and sad. Just plain sad - although you probably could not tell by just looking at me.

But then at the end of the day, I made my way to see Ella. I didn't go see her yesterday so I was anxious to get there. And as it is so often the case, I just started to sob in my car and ended up crying almost all the way to the cemetary...

As I parked my car, it started to drizzle. Not unsual so far, afterall this is Vancouver! I grabbed my pink cushion (I've discovered that cemetary grass is moist most days and leaves marks - the hard way!), my pink gardener kit (it's for breast cancer research, but you get the idea - Ella was all about pink) to rearrange her flowers and stepped toward my girl. And then it saw it...

Right there, above Ella, was... a rainbow!

I stopped in my tracks, dropped everything from the surprise, and then started to cry. Not for sadness, but rather for joy. For the fact that Ella, I know, sent me a rainbow tonight. A beautiful rainbow, with a definite line of pink... And the rainbow stayed right above us, for the entire time I was with my girl...

I ended up going to catch a movie after seeing Ella. A fun comedy about life, love and serendipity. I came out feeling good about life again. Whether it goes onto tomorrow, I won't know just yet.

But I do know one thing. Ella sends me signs. How do I know? I often ask Ella for signs that she understands what is going on in my life, why I made/make the decisions that I do or for signs of what's to come. Today was one of those days of asking for a sign... And just like everytime I've asked her for sign, one came and I was able to read it.

There is an expression amongst bereaved mothers: rainbow baby... It means having a healthy baby after the passing of your child. Deep down, I've been wishing for that rainbow baby...

Not to forget about Ella. Not to replace Ella. But because I was meant to give life, not death. And because Ella deserves to have a brother or a sister that will love her well beyond my life is complete. And because I still want to continue to be a mother... I was and still am damn good at it! Although I know that if I am that blessed, I will be a basket case for the rest of life, worrying about my child...

Whether or not that could happen currently resides in one single medical answer - the one I am anxiously waiting to have and which probably will take another 6 weeks to arrive. Whether I am a carrier of a genetic condition that would explain Ella's illness...

In the meantime, I will just continue to think that Ella is giving me signs, and that today she was pointing the way to my rainbow baby... and so in the meantime, I will go on with my journey.