Today, a year ago, Ella was admitted to BCCH for the second time...
Today, a year ago, my beautiful little girl, whom I always felt was very sick, had to undergo more tests than most people will ever do in their lifetime...
Today, a year ago, Ella's day started as it always had, happy and safe - except I had to hold off on feeding her because she was to do a baryum test, otherwise known as a swallowing study. It was the first of many appointments set up for us by our pediatrician who had told us 5 days earlier that we needed to cut our trip short because they had found something abnormal on Ella's lungs.... And true to form, my baby girl did amazingly well. She gobbled every ounce of that mix she was fed that allowed the docs, and us, to see how she swallowed without skipping a beat!
Then, after about a 45 minute wait, we made our way to test #2. This one, I was terrified about! This one could have very serious implications. We were going in for a sweat test - the test for CF - cistic fibrosis... For this one, Ella's arm was "painted" with a mixture and then wrapped in saran wrap. And then, Ella was bundled. Bundled like she was in the middle of the Artic! (We'd been asked to bring the warmest clothing we had for her, and blankets too). This bundling ensures that kids sweat, and then this sweat is analyzed over what I considered to be an excruciatating two weeks... Blood is also drawn on that morning and my poor little Ella could not even emit a sound by then. She just had lost her ability to vocalize her cry (the condition with her lungs had paralyzed a vocal chord, something we found out about later that day).
By then, it was nearly 2pm and we made our way to the lung clinic, to see the lung specialist. At the registration desk, we were told he'd be unable to see us and that his colleague would take care of us. That's when we met one of the doctors who would be instrumental in trying to save Ella. That's when we met Mark.
He took Ella's history very diligently and answered the thousand questions I was throwing at him along the way. After examining Ella, we made our way to the lab to test her 02 level. And that's when I really got a feeling that everything was far from fine...
Ella was hooked up to an oxymetry reader and as I held her, I saw Mark's face as he read the result. He then unhooked, rehooked and pressed start on the reader. And his face still had this puzzled look as he read the result. He asked the lab technician for another reader and tried as best as he could not to let on to anything wrong. And even before we tried the second reader, I knew. I knew.... Ella's readings were in the low 80s... She should have been in the high 90s... What I did not know at the time was that at 80, we should have seen a change in colour in her skin. There was none of that. And then, all hell broke loose... Mark got his fellow lung specialists involved, and within minutes, Ella was transfered to the ER's critical care area...
And then, it just got worse... A team of what felt like 50 people (but was in fact about 15) surrounded us. Nurses took the history while others prepped Ella. Doctors rushed in and out to assess her. And I tried not to lose it. An IV (intraveinous) team member was trying to put a line in to Ella's fragile arm and kept missing... I was bombarded by questions about what was happening with Ella's symptoms: what, since when, allergies, pregnancy recap, family history....
That day in the ER a year ago is so clear in my mind and yet so blurry all at once. I missed part of it because Ella's dad and I were separated by all the action - not sure if this was intentional or not on the hospital part. All I remember is lots of poking, lots of blood being drawn, urine and stool samples being taken, a scope going down my baby's girl throat, a confirmation that there was indeed a paralized vocal cord. And a lot of unanswered questions about what the hell was going on...
Today, a year ago, my knees buckled and my world crumbled... And yet I remained hopeful. Hopeful that my baby girl would be okay.
Today, a year ago, my life changed forever. And as tragic as this year has been, it has brought me incredible joy and shown unconditional love.
Today, a year ago, I never would have dreamt that I'd be where I am today: a bereaved mother still recovering from losing my only child - the love of my life.
As today started, I was reminded of all those emotions, the uncertainty, the unanswered questions. And I know now more than ever that as certain as tomorrow will come, there are no guarantees, no absolute answers and no way to predict the future. You just have to trust your heart, and move forward...
ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels
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