From the day I found out I was pregnant, I was ecstatic. Scared, granted, but ecstatic. I’d been wishing all my adult life this day would come. That one day, I’d start a family.
So when the complications started in January ’08, a month after I found out I was pregger, I became worried but kept it to myself. I saw my doctor and was referred to a high-risk obgyn because of the nature of the complications, my age and my few health issues which thankfully were all under control. Not even Ella’s dad knew what was going on as he was away assisting family members who were going through their own health tribulations.
In the second trimester, things settled and I was able to announce the big news to family, my friends and I returned to work after a few weeks’ absence. I was feeling better but there was still a lingering doubt in mind that all was okay with the baby. And then, in May, I found out that Ella was not growing properly. She was IUGR (intra-uterine growth restricted) – a fancy term to say that she was way below the curve. Moving steadily upward, ever so slowly, but way, way below the curve.
And so, the worries came back flying. By that time, I knew I was going to have a girl, and that was part of my stress. I was never a girlie girl, and thought “what am I going to do with a girl? I’ll break her!”
Ella, though born by all appearances healthy, had a very serious condition brought about by a gene deletion that made her little lungs pretty much at end-stage emphysema by the time she was 3 months old. And in the words of the pathologist who examined her remains to try to give us answers, Ella was a miracle as she did not have enough healthy lungs to sustain a 3kg newborn...
Well, my “I’ll show you how it’s done little girl”, my zebra as she was known to her medical team, my amazing little fighter did show us how it was done. She made it to 7kgs… 7 big kilos!! And while she was confined to a hospital bed for the better part of her life, Ella was strong and healthy - as healthy as you can be with completely destroyed lungs. And in the end, the fact that she kept growing was part of her downfall, as her illness did not allow for her bad lungs to repair themselves as she grew. But it did not stop my Ella to flash smiles at everyone, stick her feet up and dance a jig, bounce her King Louie Monkey and Scruff (the wanna be reindeer) off her legs, play with her Pinky Bear blanket, sit in her vibrating chair or tumble form and count all her fingers so intently. Nope, it did not stop Ella from being a perfect little girl, loved and cherished by all who knew her.
And as I reflect on Ella’s life, and though it is possible her illness came from me, I can’t help but think that if anything I enabled her. Enabled her to be a happy. Enabled her to be vibrant. Enabled her to be a fighter (she does have my pig-headedness and my “I’ll show you how it’s done attitude!”.)
And as I continue to honour Ella daily, she is the one that is now enabling me. Enabling me to get up, smell the beautiful roses I left by her grave this morning and enjoy a wonderful fall Vancouver in the sun.
So when the complications started in January ’08, a month after I found out I was pregger, I became worried but kept it to myself. I saw my doctor and was referred to a high-risk obgyn because of the nature of the complications, my age and my few health issues which thankfully were all under control. Not even Ella’s dad knew what was going on as he was away assisting family members who were going through their own health tribulations.
In the second trimester, things settled and I was able to announce the big news to family, my friends and I returned to work after a few weeks’ absence. I was feeling better but there was still a lingering doubt in mind that all was okay with the baby. And then, in May, I found out that Ella was not growing properly. She was IUGR (intra-uterine growth restricted) – a fancy term to say that she was way below the curve. Moving steadily upward, ever so slowly, but way, way below the curve.
And so, the worries came back flying. By that time, I knew I was going to have a girl, and that was part of my stress. I was never a girlie girl, and thought “what am I going to do with a girl? I’ll break her!”
Ella, though born by all appearances healthy, had a very serious condition brought about by a gene deletion that made her little lungs pretty much at end-stage emphysema by the time she was 3 months old. And in the words of the pathologist who examined her remains to try to give us answers, Ella was a miracle as she did not have enough healthy lungs to sustain a 3kg newborn...
Well, my “I’ll show you how it’s done little girl”, my zebra as she was known to her medical team, my amazing little fighter did show us how it was done. She made it to 7kgs… 7 big kilos!! And while she was confined to a hospital bed for the better part of her life, Ella was strong and healthy - as healthy as you can be with completely destroyed lungs. And in the end, the fact that she kept growing was part of her downfall, as her illness did not allow for her bad lungs to repair themselves as she grew. But it did not stop my Ella to flash smiles at everyone, stick her feet up and dance a jig, bounce her King Louie Monkey and Scruff (the wanna be reindeer) off her legs, play with her Pinky Bear blanket, sit in her vibrating chair or tumble form and count all her fingers so intently. Nope, it did not stop Ella from being a perfect little girl, loved and cherished by all who knew her.
And as I reflect on Ella’s life, and though it is possible her illness came from me, I can’t help but think that if anything I enabled her. Enabled her to be a happy. Enabled her to be vibrant. Enabled her to be a fighter (she does have my pig-headedness and my “I’ll show you how it’s done attitude!”.)
And as I continue to honour Ella daily, she is the one that is now enabling me. Enabling me to get up, smell the beautiful roses I left by her grave this morning and enjoy a wonderful fall Vancouver in the sun.
Ella enables me to live.
Thanks baby, maman loves you and forever always will. No matter what!
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