The weight of it all...

Today is Ella's 13-month birthday and I find myself with a big chip on my shoulder. It's been there for a long time, but it's been getting heavier in the last month.

I know it is a recurring theme but I really thought I was making progress and realized this past week that maybe it's all in my head, and just a front...

Since Ella's first year birthday, I've been feeling heavy and blue. My bones aches, my heart is shatterred in even more pieces and my mind goes numb - every single day and for what seems longer, and longer every day... I find myself retreating from certain situations and having difficulty getting motivated, and concentrating. Doing simple tasks are weighing on me...

Yet, I am still doing all I need to do - eating (well, as well as I can right now, appetite is not there and neither is a desire to cook), seeing my doctor regularly, undergoing therapy - the real kind and the ones that is brought about by horses, the ones who truly, truly make me whole for a couple of hours a week - and spending a bit of time every once in a while with people who look out for my well being at BCCH. I know I need to exercise more, but right now, I'm having trouble. It's like I have a 50-pound weight attached to me daily, and I have to drag it all around...

And even thouigh I feel very heavy and sad, yesterday I was able to be strong, for an hour or so, from someone who needed me - a fellow angel mom who was going through a rougher period than I was. I was there for her, and I was happy to be. She, just like other angel moms have been there for me when I needed it. It's like we know when the other is down and we move in.... But then, later on in the day, I wanted to be able to share my grief with the very one person that knows it first hand. What was meant to be a call out for help turned into another ackward texting argument with bitterness all around, and then, my knees buckled from the weight....

Through it all, I am fortunate to have dear friends around me who look out for me. Eric, with whom I had savoury desserts last night when I really needed a distraction from the heavyness of the day.... Sebastian who I met for breakfast this morning when I barely had the strength to get up... And Lisa, who was there to get me through what would hve been a rough afternoon...

And then later today, as I headed to spend time at the barn as I do every Monday - an activity that is my saving grace and has been since 14 days after Ella passed away - I ached. I just was not feeling it... I just did not want to be there... But I know how good I feel when I actually ride so I dragged myself... And then Chelsea did the rest!

This sweet little mare has a grumpy side to her, but she is a sweetheart under the facade. She groans and nips but that's all it is - a facade and a way to protect herself. And I know that, because that's exactly how I am most days. I may appear joyful and happy - but that's all it is. A facade...

Anyway, Chelsea today was again my saving grace. Minutes after starting to care for her, my heart lifted as she snuggled and let me do just that - take care of her. As we headed out to the paddock and started our work, I commented on the fact that it was sunny and warm yet it drizzled, and said to my coach "The only thing missing is a rainbow"....

And then Ella did the rest...

Within a minute and barely there for 30 seconds, was this huge rainbow, right at the base of the paddock and looking over us.... I ended having a lot of fun today... Getting back to my old self on a horse, and really loving it... And then taking care of a grumpy mare that underneath it all is playful and loving...

I ended up with some actual weight off of my shoulder today thanks to my angel girl who I know looks down on me from Heaven... And tomorrow, I am hopeful that the weight will not be as heavy as I try not one, but two new activities on this journey I am on. First thing in the morning will be an attempt at yoga... And tomorrow evening, I am going to face my fears and my anger head on as I finally meet for the first time with fellow bereaved parents who also are on a journey they never wished to be on...