Children know best

As I sit tonight and reflect on the last four months, I can't believe how quickly time flies and how badly I want to find a time machine to go back in time...

I very well know I can't do that and so I ever so gently move forward in my journey, counting my blessings for every beautiful thought and memory of Ella, so happy that she got to meet her paternal and maternal grandparents, her cousins and her aunt. I now strive to see the world for her. 1 step forward, 3 steps back is how it feel but it's probably more like 1 step forward, 2 steps back.

On the evening of Ella's passing, after spending the entire day with my baby girl in my arms saying my goodbye, giving her one last bath, making moulds of her hands and feet, touching her cheeks, stroking her hair and dancing with her so that I never ever forget the feeling of her in my arms, I was fortunate to hold a very special boy who beat all the odds. We'll call him baby A, a twin who before he was born showed a very serious heart condition to his parents and medical team which required open heart surgery days after he stepped out into this world.

Baby A was back for a visit in Vancouver in March and our paths crossed as it had happened when his mom and I spent time together during our pregnancy. This time though, I knew he was not out of the woods and held on to him as I held on to Ella in those last few months. With the hope that all would be okay, with the fear that life could always take a turn we would not expect.

I always felt that baby A knew exactly how I felt that night, and what had happened to my baby girl who hours earlier had earned her wings and went to sit at the BIG table. Baby A not only got me through that evening without me feeling any panic and distress, baby A who I still see and hold every once and a while, gets me through the current pain of outliving my daughter. It's like he knows that I am a mommy with a broken heart and he protects me.

I like to think that Ella makes sure both of us are protected by her brave heart and soul. Baby A is doing well, and though he is smaller than his brother, he definitely has a force, a wiseness already present beyond his almost one year.

Thank you baby A for showing me it's ok to hold a baby and not feel guilty. Thank you Ella for allowing me those few precious moments of peacefulness and for making me want to make every day count.