Children know best

As I sit tonight and reflect on the last four months, I can't believe how quickly time flies and how badly I want to find a time machine to go back in time...

I very well know I can't do that and so I ever so gently move forward in my journey, counting my blessings for every beautiful thought and memory of Ella, so happy that she got to meet her paternal and maternal grandparents, her cousins and her aunt. I now strive to see the world for her. 1 step forward, 3 steps back is how it feel but it's probably more like 1 step forward, 2 steps back.

On the evening of Ella's passing, after spending the entire day with my baby girl in my arms saying my goodbye, giving her one last bath, making moulds of her hands and feet, touching her cheeks, stroking her hair and dancing with her so that I never ever forget the feeling of her in my arms, I was fortunate to hold a very special boy who beat all the odds. We'll call him baby A, a twin who before he was born showed a very serious heart condition to his parents and medical team which required open heart surgery days after he stepped out into this world.

Baby A was back for a visit in Vancouver in March and our paths crossed as it had happened when his mom and I spent time together during our pregnancy. This time though, I knew he was not out of the woods and held on to him as I held on to Ella in those last few months. With the hope that all would be okay, with the fear that life could always take a turn we would not expect.

I always felt that baby A knew exactly how I felt that night, and what had happened to my baby girl who hours earlier had earned her wings and went to sit at the BIG table. Baby A not only got me through that evening without me feeling any panic and distress, baby A who I still see and hold every once and a while, gets me through the current pain of outliving my daughter. It's like he knows that I am a mommy with a broken heart and he protects me.

I like to think that Ella makes sure both of us are protected by her brave heart and soul. Baby A is doing well, and though he is smaller than his brother, he definitely has a force, a wiseness already present beyond his almost one year.

Thank you baby A for showing me it's ok to hold a baby and not feel guilty. Thank you Ella for allowing me those few precious moments of peacefulness and for making me want to make every day count.

Invincible

As I start this note, in exactly 9 hours, it will be 4 months... 4 long lonely months since Ella earned her wings and took to the sky. I was thinking about that specifically this morning as I drove to go see my baby girl at the cemetary. Yes, I still go spend time with her where she is layed to rest, every day. I know I don't have to, but I need to right now, just as I spent so much time with her on the day she left us, and the day after and after.

As I was pondering how quickly time flies, this song came on the radio. The host had said it was a new hit so I started paying attention. As I processed the words, my brain screamed "that's me, that's me!". I felt it was all about me, about my pain, about Ella and how she watches over me, always. I just started to ball...

Here are the lyrics of that song which overtook me with the strongest emotions. I have no clue what brought that author to write it in such a way, but I completely can relate to every word.

CHANTAL KREVIAZUK - INVINCIBLE

I thought I had the right day, but I was in the wrong place.
I tried to open a door, but got it slammed in my face.
I'm at the back of the line, feels like eternity.

Well, they tell me I'm gettin' close, but I know I'm still far.
You can dress me up, but you can't cover my scars.
I've become a professional at hide and seek.

I'm a danger to myself.

I can take a wrong turn, you're right behind me.
Crash and burn, I know you'll find me.
As long as you're here, I'm invincible.

I can call your name and you'll come running.
It's pouring rain, you'll make it sunny.
As long as you're here, I'm invincible.

Want to be part of the cure, but I'm part of the disease.
I can chase butterflies, but I get stung by the bees.
Sometimes I think too much, forget my clarity.

I bought every self-help book that I could fit on the shelf.
Too many Downward Dogs, they can be bad for your health.
I don't know who I am, so much for therapy.

I'm a danger to myself.

I can take a wrong turn, you're right behind me.
Crash and burn, I know you'll find me.
As long as you're here, I'm invincible.

I can call your name and you'll come running.
It's pouring rain, you'll make it sunny.
As long as you're here, I'm invincible.

I'm not the same old girl, no.
I want a brand new world.

I can take a wrong turn, you're right behind me.
Crash and burn, I know you'll find me.
As long as you're here, I'm invincible.

I can call your name and you'll come running.
It's pouring rain, you'll make it sunny.
As long as you're here, I'm invincible.

I thought I had the right day, but I was in the wrong place.
I tried to open a door, but got it slammed in my face.
I'm at the back of the line, feels like eternity.

http://www.myspace.com/chantalkreviazuk

Tonight, there is a light

When we left the hospital to come home after Ella's second hospitalization, my little darlin' Ella was on home oxygene therapy. That meant that before we came home, I had to pack up all my candles (and believe me there were more than 2 dozens spread all around the house) and put them away with the lighters and matches so that we would not blow up the house by mistake. Considering we had over 20 canisters of highly combustible 02 in the living room corner, it was a wise decision.

One of those boxes of candles never actually made it to storage and has been by a table, in the living room for months. I walk by it every day, look at it and think, I should light a candle. And then I don't do it. It's been this ongoing "I should "then don't dance for months now.

The only exception to that dance is THE candle that is always lit in my room, no matter what time it is. It is Ella's candle. A candle I got for her when we returned to the hospital on Ella's third hospitalization. A wax, vanilla scented candle that back then at the hospital too was always, always lit. It spooked everyone at the hospital! Each doctor and nurse we encoutered for the first several weeks of that stay would just jump and panic at the site of it. What's a candle doing on a baby's bed in the ICU? Are the parents that crazy??? They all had the same reaction :) Ella's candle is battery operated but it looks so, so real! It became a running gag with caregivers just forgetting it was not real and jumping when a blanket would get too close. Irt had everyone giggling at the sight of a new nurse doing a double take upon coming near Ella's bed.

So, for almost four months now, there's been no other candle light in my house, though I love the flickering dance and the smell of candles. But tonight, something has changed...

Today was baby Trey's 4-month birthday. And because it was Trey's birthday, his mom Sharon lit candles in her home, as did her family and friends. So, tonight, as I imagine Ella giving Trey a tender kiss for his birthday, I lit a candle for Ella, and a candle for Trey.

Tonight, there is a light. And tomorrow there will one, and hopefully one less "I don't" too...

In memory of Ella Jacqueline Dupont Bedassie (2008-2009)

This blog is dedidated to our little angel who make us smile and believe in life.
Ce blogue est dédiée à la mémoire d'Ella, ce petit ange qui nous fait sourire et aimer la vie.