Being gentle with myself

It's been days now since my last post, and fortunately the meltdown has passed and I am back on this road that is my journey. It took me nearly 5 days, one therapy session, many discussions with people whom I trust and who still don't fully understand what goes on in my head and my heart (hey, I don't either!) as well as countless tears and some soul searching to realize that while I chose to flee, I am convinced my instinct was right.

Quite a few of my friends were worried. The bottom line is I chose to protect and keep myself safe of any further worry and anxiety by removing myself from a situation which, though it had wonderful potential at the time, included an element that hit by surprise and too close to home, at least for now. A meltdown did follow and though it lingered, in the spirit of continuing to honour Ella by rediscovering myself, I aim to move forward again, but mostly I choose to be gentle to myself.

I am trying to include new elements to my days (for Ella, so that I can now see new things for her and I at once) and more structured activities so that I continue to progress.

While I live minutes from the beach, I have not taken advantage of the ocean's beauty and serenity very much this summer. The heart was not in it, and I was afraid that I'd betray Ella by doing what I should be doing with her, without her... Turns out I need to do it without her physically with me, for me and with her in spirit. Not my choice but I don't really have a choice on the matter, do I!

So, I've started to integrate daily walks by the ocean, to keep myself fit but also to allow my heart to grieve. I do it without music, and just with my thoughts which most times go in a million directions and which also sometimes happen to be quite harsh toward myself, as well as toward others... I know I need to transfer those harsh and negative thoughts into positive ones but it does not always work. Most of the time, there are tears, as there are almost always when I am in my car, between my home and the cemetary...

But not every day is covered in tears anymore. They come in waves now, generally as I leave people who are dear to me as they return to their happy lives, when I go see my baby girl, still when I see a mom enjoying a private moment with her child, a dad holding sharing life with a baby or when I talk to my or Ella's dad's family and close friends.

Amongst the tears are puntuated moments of joy, like when Emma, Ella's best friend who is turning 2 tomorrow, ran into my arms and told me "love you Yo". My heart melted with joy on the spot, only to be swollen with tears later on that day when I realized I will never hear Ella say I love you mom.... Regardless of the tears, that afternoon with Emma, Danielles (Ella's Godmother) and her husband Chris was a good one, partly because of the company, partly because of the sun, partly because it was my first picnic at the beach of the summer, and partly because of the formations of Canada geese that I saw that day - another sign of my girl.

I finally made it to Trout Lake - it only took me 4 years! - and though it was a very bitter sweet day, I kept finding myself so amazed at how the moutains were so beautiful over the lake and the willow trees. I am blessed that Ella allows me to see nature in a whole new way.

Last night, I took another step toward being gentle to myself and getting back to my old person. I simply went to see a movie I very much wanted to see, by myself. I used to do that so often a few years ago, and I just did not know if I could. Fortunately, a very good choice of movie to distract me, and a stranger in the line up commenting on the heart necklace I wear daily because Ella wears the other part of it, made it a beautiful night.

Although the thoughts of returning to work at some point creep up in my head with vibrations of anxiety, I now know that my road on this journey MUST include taking care of me, being gentle to me.

Thanks Ella for helping me learn at 41 how to stop worrying and how to focus on me!

One person very dear to my heart lost her dad this year and she went on a pilgrimage in Europe, in his honour. While I cannot physically, financially and most importantly mentally do that just yet, I know the time will come when I am able and willing to travel again, and she can see all through my eyes.

Baby steps they say. I say, every day is a new day and I never know what it is going to bring.

I thought....

I thought I was doing so well...
Going about each day, honouring you as best as I could...

I thought I was about to start a new chapter...
Meeting new friends and focusing on fresh interests....
That is until reality struck me right in the face...
And I found myself unable to face it...

I tought I could take it...
But instead I took the back door and left like a thief....
Ashamed of my feelings of even caring for what was once...
And the fact that it was all a scam...

I thought someone had my back...
And realized that no one but me can actually look out for me...

I thought I was wiser...
But now I know that a lesson in friendship.....
A lesson in love....
A lesson in life...
Can show itself at any time of day...
Whether you are ready for it or not...

5 months of grief... and gratefulness...

As I started this blog last night, I was staring at 5 months... well almost. It was 5 months at 8:07 am today, the 27th....

5 months of crazyness, emptiness and denial...

5 months of wishing I could turn back time...

5 months of struggles to keep my head...

5 months of wanting to salvage my relationship while realizing it, too, needs to take its natural course...

5 months of constant doubt about how this could have happened...

5 months of trying to honour your memory...

5 lonely months without holding you, my baby girl...


As I reflect on those 5 months, I can't help but be grateful...

Grateful for my family's love, support but more importantly for my family's health...

Grateful for your dad's family: their love, their support but most importantly the fact that they are also in good health...

Grateful that I am able to grieve...

Grateful that I am able to cry...

Grateful that I am able to laugh...

Grateful that I am able to look at a baby and smile...

Grateful that I can offer some support to an angel mom who needs a long distance hug...

Grateful that I am alive...



And lately, I find myself grateful for different reasons...

Grateful that I am able to slow time down to breathe deeper and more intently....

Grateful that I am able to appreciate every moment for what it brings...

Grateful that some time in October there will be answers...

Grateful that my desire to live... and to be a mother have not left me...

Grateful that you send me signs that I am able to recognize...

Grateful that I feel you with me, always...


5 months ago... I held you for the longest time... and for the last time...

5 months ago.. I embraced every moment you gave us... every ounce of the fighter you had in you...

5 months ago... I said so long to my baby girl... and hello to my Guardian Angel...

Ella's Bear

It was bought after Ella's passing, a SuperHero teddy bear, from the BCCH Foundation fundraising campaign. I had gone for a walk late that afternoon and came across a stand that the bank had outside. There were two young ladies, selling Superhero bears and other items to raise funds for the BC Children's Hospital. I asked how much the bear was, and how long the stand would be there for. I'd quickly realised that their day was about to end as they'd started to pack up. I then asked them if they'd wait 10 minutes for me, that I wanted to buy a bear in memory of my daughter who just passed away at BCCH and after one of the young ladies agreed, I made my way to my bank to retrieve some cash to buy a SuperHero Bear. When I came back a few minutes later, I was greeted by surprise. It seemed the young lady thought I'd not return.

On the spot, I decided to buy not one SuperHero Bear, but three. One for Ella, that I would keep for her at home, to remind myself of what an amazing hero she was and still is.

One for Renaud, son of my dear sister Marie-Claude and Ella's big and loving cousin.

One for Samia, daughter of my dear brother Jacques-Andre and Ella's not as big but just as loving cousin who also happens to be my God Daughter.

For months, the three SuperHero Bears, all "male" bears, were in my home as a reminder of what we'd been through but also carrying a sense of hope that they'd help Renaud and Samia move on as well as help little kids get better.

When I finally had the strength to prepare my family's Christmas presents that had been lying around the house for so, so many months - digital keychains that I loaded with pictures of Ella - I knew two of the SuperHero Bears had to go. I packed them up as diligently as I could and sent them on their way to Montreal for Renaud and Samia have and to hold.

And then, a week before Ella's birthday, I decided to add a silent auction to her birthday party as a mean to raise funds in her memory. Upon making that decision, I asked the BCCH Foundation if they still had SuperHero Bears from that spring campaign, and if I could have a few for Ella's auction. I asked the Foundation for a couple - a male and a female.

Once at the Foundation to pick up the Bears, it dawned on me that Ella deserved a female Bear. So, I quickly picked up two female Bears, and decided to use Ella's own male Bear for the auction. Afterall, it was brand new, with the tag on and had been sitting in my living room all along. And so Ella's Bear was promised to the auction.

On the night of the auction, on Ella's one year birthday, there was a fierce battle for the male SuperHero Bear, a.k.a Ella's Bear. My friend engaged in an ongoing battle with another person for Ella's Bear - not knowing anything about this being Ella's Bear. He ended up winning the bidding war and as he paid me for Ella's Bear he said: "You have no idea what this means."

On the following day, I told my friend about the fact that the bear he purchased was Ella's Bear. I wanted him to know because he said the Bear was going to his dear friend who now lives in the U.K. The bear seemed so special, I thought it would make it even more special for his friend to know where it came from. Little did I know! Turns out that my friend's friend is named Ella... This was a SuperHero Bear, purchased for Ella, in memory of Ella and now being given to an Ella... I just started to cry! I could not believe the coincidences! And yet, it seemed so completely normal, as if Ella, my Ella, had planned this all along.

So, why write about Ella's Bear tonight? Because tonight as I saw my friend, he proceeded to tell me the story about why he wanted the male SuperHero Bear for his friend Ella. They'd been at the bank together and in a moment of childhood giggles, his friend Ella had picked up a SuperHero Bear, a male, and was flying him like a SuperHero flies in the sky. And today, as I listened to him tell me that story, I saw my little Ella, much older, healthier and happy, flying her SuperHero Bear, in complete giggles...

Ladybugs and other winged creatures

It was not until at about 2 months after Ella's passing that I started seeing a pattern. I was looking for signs from my little angel early on and really had not seen anything, although I asked her to come see me, but it was clear the signs were there, I just was not apt to see them at the time.

The first moment Ella grabbed my attention was on the very day that Ella's Daddy and I returned to the ICU together. I had been back to the ICU by myself, almost everyday to be exact, but this was Daddy's first time since Ella had got her wings. It was spring, a warm day and the window on Daddy's side of the car was open. As I stopped at a light, something came in to the car and landed on Daddy. A tiny little red ladybug… She stayed on his arm while we waited on the light, and seconds before it changed, she flew out as gently as she came in. We both noticed it, but said nothing.

The second time was a little later in the spring, a week before Mother's Day. I was sitting with friends at the ball park on a Sunday as I had done every weekend while I was pregnant Ella. And on that particular day, the many moms that were pregnant at the same time I was were enjoying a beautiful, relaxing day with their babies. As I watched them and thought of my baby Ella, no longer with us, I just cracked… I just flipped out and ran away in tears. I made it as far as Starbucks, a couple of blocks away, dried my tears, got myself a drink and proceeded to call my friend Cathy on my way back to the ballpark, still very emotional from the pain. As I reached the park, something just flew into by bosom… I yelled, then tried to wiggle the bug out (yup, I really did – laughing my head off by then while still on the phone) but nothing worked so I just gave up, finished my conversation with Cat and then sat back down on my blanket only to have not a bug, but rather a red ladybug slowly walk out on to my arm. It stayed there for a good 10-15 minutes. And then it just flew away.

Soon after that encounter, I was going through all the condolences cards we’d received. One of the first one that came, from my friend Yvonne, just jumped at me. A simple photograph on the cover: a beautiful white mum, with a gorgeous red ladybug. It still did not really dawn on me…

And then, as I was going through documents, I came across something I’d completely forgotten about. A photo session was done at BC Women’s Hospital, on the day that Ella was discharged. On that day, I finally dressed her up in one of the outfits I finally bought. I had picked a preemie onesie, white with a bit of red and yellow, but most importantly it had a ladybug on it with a French line “Une cocinnelle avec des ailes” (a children rhyme that means a ladybug, with wings). By then, the memories of the ladybugs I encountered resurfaced… and it all became so clear. Ladybugs were Ella’s call sign to me!

Afterall, both my sister and I had been a “cocinnelle” when we were kids (competitive gymnastic team). And then, there was the outfit that her Dad picked for her (a top actually as he forgot to bring a bottom!). It was a cream colored camisole with a red sweater chale that tied up at the front. On the bottom right of there was a big red ladybug, and at the top, a couple of lsmaller adybugs separated by flowers.

An then, there was the ladybug that just flew on to my friend Charles, while were were in an indoor garage talking about Ella coming to me as a ladybug and about the fact that, an hour earlier I asked Ella for a sign that it was okay and she understood mommy’s reasons for separating from Daddy….

So, since that day, ladybugs and other winged creatures have been coming out of nowhere to help me deal with my grief and cheer me on with my life. More chapters of the ladybugs and other winged creatures will follow shortly. You’ll just have to be patient for one more day or so!

The power of 7

Those of you who are in Vancouver and have seen me since Ella's passing know about the power of 7. For those of you who are away, here is the scoop: Ella was a perfect 7...

She was born on August 7
At 5:47am
Weighing 5 lbs, 7 oz
Wearing bracelet 1446271
From a dad born on a 16
And a mom born on a 29
And being conceived on a 27th

Her birth certificate, social insurance and BC Healthcare numbers all have 7s

Her symptoms started on a 7th

Once in ICU she was admitted to bed 17

Her parent's first evening out since being admitted to the hospital was for a benefit for BCCH on Jan. 29

The second time was out for Mom and Das was Feb. 11 at 7pm
For a Giants Hockey game

The third time was on Feb. 27 at 7:30pm
And I was seated in seat 4 of row 3 for another Giants game

The fourth time was March 7
For a Cancuks hockey game at 7pm
Seating in row 7
In seat 3 and 4

Ella passed away on March 27
at 8:07am
At 7 months +
In beds 17/18

The first donation in her memory was over $700

She was laid to rest on April 7
At 10:30 am
Weighing 7.09 kilos

On August 7, she turned 1
Her happy birthday wishes were published on page B7 of the Vancouver Sun

On August 17, at the golf trounament in Ella's memory I had a meltdown on hole 16
And my best hole of the day on hole 17

Ella's Facebook bereavement page currently has 7 members

So what does this all mean? There are so many more occurences of 7 around her and I as remember them, I'll be sure to update this posting. As one of my friends pointed out to me, 7 is the biblical number of perfection. Ella was and still is a perfect 7!

Blessings

As I returned from spending some time with Ella today, it occured to me that there are so many experiences I have not written about yet, so I'm now going to aim to put pen to paper, or key to screen actually, every day to immortalize memories as best as I can.

There are so many things to write about: how so wonderfully supportive my family and friends have been in helping me work through this ordeal; how so many of Ella's caregivers are now tucked in my heart as my friends and family are for all they have done for her, and for my family; what a wonderful day I had on Ella's first birthday and in the days prior to it to prepare it, baking my heart out and planning a full on birthday party for my baby girl; how generous my friends and her dad's friends have been in supporting Ella's memories...

For tonight, I'll settle on counting my blessings.
The blessings that come clearer in the sky when I am feeling more at peace.
The blessings that take form in my old and new friends who worry about me, who support me, who love me and care for me.
The blessings for my mom and dad who through this painful time have both been rocks for me in their own rights.
The blessings that I can see a pretty flower and say thank you to Ella for opening my eyes to it.
The blessings that Ella, though she did not have the lungs for it, spent almost 8 months being a happy, smiley girl who most of the time did not know she was sick.
The blessings that I have so many mementos of her: her clothes, her toys, her lifecast hands and feet, her pictures, her videos and all my memories.
The blessings that bring old friends together to share very special moments which make you whole again.
The blessings of strangers, like Maria the grand-mother I met at the cemetary, the clerk at the store who gave Ella an angel, the Global/Virgin One Radio Morning/ Ocean Radio Morning/BCCH Foundation for all their tireless efforts and support.
The blessings of nurses who like Jane from Now I lay Me Down to Sleep took multiple pictures of Ella with her family in the days before she got her wings.
The blessings of doctors who fought so hard to figure out what was going on with my girl, and to save her.
The blessings of Rachel, a fellow mom at BCCH who was by my side when Ella gave us the biggest warning sign of what was to come and whom brought me an angel coin which I carry with me everywhere still to bring me strength and peace.
The blessings of Martine who before we flew to Montreal offered all her baby gear to make Ella comfortable on our trip.
The blessings that I can now spend some time with friends and their babies - and appreciate life with them.
And the blessings of Jennifer, a woman who saw our story on the Telethon and donated to BCCH in Ella's name because of it.

While my eyes and ears are not always tuned on to these blessings (and those mentionned here are only a few of ten s of thousands of blessings we've had thanks to Ella), Ella's is sending them to me, always. I just have to carefully listen to, see, taste, touch and smell them. And to be able to do so, I am now engaging in a process or self re-discovery. By myself, with my friends, with my family, with my therapist, with the grief counsellor, with my chaplain at BCCH and eventually, maybe one day, with a man who will love me for and in spite of all the tribulations I have been through in the last two years and who will want to be part of my and Ella's lives and possibly her brother or sister I hope to bring in to this world one day.

In the meantime, I will continue to count my blessings.