I started my day today feeling a bit lazy. Last night was Halloween, and instead of being with my almost 15-month-to-be daughter, I spent the evening with friends. Really good friends. Friends who are good for your soul. But not really by choice (and please don't think I was unhappy to be there, because I wasn't) but rather because it was a necessity. A way for me to cope with the reality of it all... The reality of my daughter's passing and how any kind of special day/holiday sends me for a spin...
Unlike yesterday, my day today started with a huge ray of sunshine in my heart. Yesterday, well, that was another story... In other words, a very tough one...
Even though we were blessed with an absolute beautiful, warm and sunny autumn day - the kind of day that makes you long for the East - my heart was not in it and I had to force myself to go through the motion and get through it.
I've become an expert by now at faking it. Faking a celebration... Faking a smile... Faking to look remotely "normal" and happy. And then, I decided to blog about Ella. I recapped a text I wrote for Ella's Supercommunity for BCCH - about Ella's first crush, Ryan. And as I copied and pasted the old text, I decided to re-read it and make minor corrections to it. And then, well I added more meat to it, turning it into a thank you to nursing staff who took such wonderful care of my little Ella.
And that's when the shadows in my heart turned into a ray of sunshine. Ella was showing me a way to overturn those feeling of ache and make them positive again. Every single time I've gone down with major cases of the blues, it has been around special days and I've learned to cope by taking care of my BCCH family. Why would this day be any different than the other holidays, really?
So I went shopping and then I started to bake! Gutted a pumpkin and made pumpkin soup. And then baked some chocolate pumpkin cupcakes. All throughout the afternoon, I was driven by one goal - bring a little bit of Halloween to the staff at BCCH on 3M where Ella spent her first and only Halloween, and to the parents of kiddies on the ward. And when I was done, I remembered those parents I'd met at Thanksgiving and thought "I still have a pumpkin, and everything left to do more cakes, so I need to continue". And I did :)
By 6 pm, I was walking in to BCCH, bags of goodies in hands. There was cakes for the staff of 3M and ICU, some candies for the 3M staff and soup + cupcakes for the parents of both 3M and ICU. As I laid the tables in each area with food and the appropriate plastic settings, I was fortunate to meet a few parents and talk to the staff, all very grateful for the gesture. And just as quickly as I came in, I was out the door! Not without thoughts for little ones I knew back when Ella was in the hospital: T who was going to be dressed as Elmo (costume made by nursing staff for him), F who hopefully was dressed as a very cute little lady bug (a gift from Ella to her on the day she met her new family). And then there was a special thought for another little one who I did not meet but was wishing so well: a little boy or girl I am not sure, but one who was to receive the Dalmatian outfit I left on 3M earlier this week for a family to enjoy.
And so, with that afternoon of "cooking therapy" I was energized for a lovely evening. I made it to the party in time to see the darling little Emma, Ella's best girlfriend, all dressed up in the ladybug outfit I got for her. And although Emma was getting grumpier and grumpier because she was so tired, I got a huge hug and a "Love you" that went straight to my heart! And so started my evening among friends... Friends that are good for your soul... Friends that care for you... Friends that love you for who you are...
That feeling of being loved and content carried on to morning. Yes, I was lazy but I could be since we had an extra hour to spare. But noooooo, no late morning for me because the call of horses was being heard!
I made my way to the barn to witness the costumed classes of the schooling show I was participating in. It has been 20+ years since I've shown, in a real show or a school one. And I was energized, but terrified... Wearing my pink proudly for Ella (in a school show, you don't need the mandatory outfit), I warmed up and it felt good. And as I got on course, my fear intensified.... I went through the motion of the first course and just like I had done when I was 8, I forgot to breathe... And by the second course, it had all come back to me... How good it feels to be in the saddle again... How sweet it is to have a 1,000 pound animal share in on your partnership... How much I loved showing... How good it is to breathe... And yes, I did and I still do. And I will tomorrow too!
Today, as I was showing, I had Ella in my heart, in my pocket (her picture), on my neck (the heart pendant we share) and I had Chelsea to help me through it. Chelsea, a wonderful old (she is 27) and safe Arabian mare who despite her very grumpy moods melts your heart when she snuggles you... After snatching a ribbon, a 3rd no less and regardless of a big mistake on part, I decided it was time to say thank you. So I headed to see my girl. And as I sat by her side, under a full sun and told her about the great day I just had, I knew she already knew it, that she'd seen me through it. But I just had to tell her and say thank you. And as I started to sing to her, my voice gave out, and my tears came in. Ella and I were supposed to enjoy horses together. It was supposed to be "our" thing. But when I got in to my car, I realized that it already was. Right there in my car as I sat down was a ladybug on my sleeve. She made her way to my hair (Ella always, always played with my hair when I rocked her) and after I tried to capture a photo of it, I stepped outside,, She just stayed there for a second more before flying into the wind...
And that my friends are the blessings from high above. The blessings that Ella gives me every second of every minute of every hour of every day...
