A Ladybug with Wings

On October 27, 2010, I went to work with a heavy heart... as I do, every 27th of every month.

19 months ago, I said goodbye to my girl, Ella.

And although my heart was heavy and tears were on the surface, I could not help but smile and get real excited as the sun came out. I thought "Thanks Ella, maman needed the sun today".

So, on my work break I headed outside to enjoy the warm of this beautiful Fall sun by the waterfront, in a spot I have not visited since before Ella was born. And I just stood there for a while, reflecting on the last three years of my life and all that's hapened, I felt sad for the obvious reasons and grateful for such a beautiful day.

I then rejoined a group of colleagues outside. And as I approached them, someone pointed to one of my team member "ladybug - on you". And I stopped breathing...

If you have followed my journey, you know that Ella sends me ladybugs. In the weirdest places, with the outmost perfect timing.

What you may not know is there were very few ladybug moments this year and I would be tempted to say barely any. So this ladybug, landing on a dear friend, in between cement building by the water and staying there for a little while before flying up, up, up and away on Ella's angel anniversary was quite the sweet gift.

It brought the good kind of tears to the surface. It allowed me to focus for the rest of the day and feel content that Ella knew to take care of my soul today as she does so well on so many occasions.

And as I stopped by the cemetary later that day to bring her fresh flowers, I was pleasantly surprised to see a goose, lying down, a few feet away, just chilling, my heart heavyness was lifted once again.

I had expected a good cry and most definitely sadness, but instead, I once again said thank you to Ella, for sending me another one of my favorite winged creatures to cheer me up.

Thanks bubba, maman loves you!

PS - Take a look at the picture. It took a while for me to realize it but this one is the earliest recording of the many ladybug moments :)

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

Ladybugs and other winged creatures

It was not until at about 2 months after Ella's passing that I started seeing a pattern. I was looking for signs from my little angel early on and really had not seen anything, although I asked her to come see me, but it was clear the signs were there, I just was not apt to see them at the time.

The first moment Ella grabbed my attention was on the very day that Ella's Daddy and I returned to the ICU together. I had been back to the ICU by myself, almost everyday to be exact, but this was Daddy's first time since Ella had got her wings. It was spring, a warm day and the window on Daddy's side of the car was open. As I stopped at a light, something came in to the car and landed on Daddy. A tiny little red ladybug… She stayed on his arm while we waited on the light, and seconds before it changed, she flew out as gently as she came in. We both noticed it, but said nothing.

The second time was a little later in the spring, a week before Mother's Day. I was sitting with friends at the ball park on a Sunday as I had done every weekend while I was pregnant Ella. And on that particular day, the many moms that were pregnant at the same time I was were enjoying a beautiful, relaxing day with their babies. As I watched them and thought of my baby Ella, no longer with us, I just cracked… I just flipped out and ran away in tears. I made it as far as Starbucks, a couple of blocks away, dried my tears, got myself a drink and proceeded to call my friend Cathy on my way back to the ballpark, still very emotional from the pain. As I reached the park, something just flew into by bosom… I yelled, then tried to wiggle the bug out (yup, I really did – laughing my head off by then while still on the phone) but nothing worked so I just gave up, finished my conversation with Cat and then sat back down on my blanket only to have not a bug, but rather a red ladybug slowly walk out on to my arm. It stayed there for a good 10-15 minutes. And then it just flew away.

Soon after that encounter, I was going through all the condolences cards we’d received. One of the first one that came, from my friend Yvonne, just jumped at me. A simple photograph on the cover: a beautiful white mum, with a gorgeous red ladybug. It still did not really dawn on me…

And then, as I was going through documents, I came across something I’d completely forgotten about. A photo session was done at BC Women’s Hospital, on the day that Ella was discharged. On that day, I finally dressed her up in one of the outfits I finally bought. I had picked a preemie onesie, white with a bit of red and yellow, but most importantly it had a ladybug on it with a French line “Une cocinnelle avec des ailes” (a children rhyme that means a ladybug, with wings). By then, the memories of the ladybugs I encountered resurfaced… and it all became so clear. Ladybugs were Ella’s call sign to me!

Afterall, both my sister and I had been a “cocinnelle” when we were kids (competitive gymnastic team). And then, there was the outfit that her Dad picked for her (a top actually as he forgot to bring a bottom!). It was a cream colored camisole with a red sweater chale that tied up at the front. On the bottom right of there was a big red ladybug, and at the top, a couple of lsmaller adybugs separated by flowers.

An then, there was the ladybug that just flew on to my friend Charles, while were were in an indoor garage talking about Ella coming to me as a ladybug and about the fact that, an hour earlier I asked Ella for a sign that it was okay and she understood mommy’s reasons for separating from Daddy….

So, since that day, ladybugs and other winged creatures have been coming out of nowhere to help me deal with my grief and cheer me on with my life. More chapters of the ladybugs and other winged creatures will follow shortly. You’ll just have to be patient for one more day or so!