On July 23rd, 2009 I was basically a mess. Having a hard time dealing but thankfully friends were right by my side to cheer me on. On that night, Somewhere Over the Rainbow brought me to tears as I so wished I could be over that rainbow with my baby girl... And it became the subject of my blog.
Tonight, it is again about Somewhere Over the Rainbow....
As I prepared myself for what I felt was going to be yet another rough day (How does one know? You just know... How does one prepare? I really don't know other than have people who make you safe by your side), I heard that it was the 70th anniversary of Somewhere Over The Rainbow release by Judy Garland. I remember stopping on that specific thought - but then it went out of my head.
I went about my day as best as I could - my heart not really in it - but at least I tried. It was not a horrible day, just one where I felt numb for most of it, and sad. Just plain sad - although you probably could not tell by just looking at me.
But then at the end of the day, I made my way to see Ella. I didn't go see her yesterday so I was anxious to get there. And as it is so often the case, I just started to sob in my car and ended up crying almost all the way to the cemetary...
As I parked my car, it started to drizzle. Not unsual so far, afterall this is Vancouver! I grabbed my pink cushion (I've discovered that cemetary grass is moist most days and leaves marks - the hard way!), my pink gardener kit (it's for breast cancer research, but you get the idea - Ella was all about pink) to rearrange her flowers and stepped toward my girl. And then it saw it...
Right there, above Ella, was... a rainbow!
I stopped in my tracks, dropped everything from the surprise, and then started to cry. Not for sadness, but rather for joy. For the fact that Ella, I know, sent me a rainbow tonight. A beautiful rainbow, with a definite line of pink... And the rainbow stayed right above us, for the entire time I was with my girl...
I ended up going to catch a movie after seeing Ella. A fun comedy about life, love and serendipity. I came out feeling good about life again. Whether it goes onto tomorrow, I won't know just yet.
But I do know one thing. Ella sends me signs. How do I know? I often ask Ella for signs that she understands what is going on in my life, why I made/make the decisions that I do or for signs of what's to come. Today was one of those days of asking for a sign... And just like everytime I've asked her for sign, one came and I was able to read it.
There is an expression amongst bereaved mothers: rainbow baby... It means having a healthy baby after the passing of your child. Deep down, I've been wishing for that rainbow baby...
Not to forget about Ella. Not to replace Ella. But because I was meant to give life, not death. And because Ella deserves to have a brother or a sister that will love her well beyond my life is complete. And because I still want to continue to be a mother... I was and still am damn good at it! Although I know that if I am that blessed, I will be a basket case for the rest of life, worrying about my child...
Whether or not that could happen currently resides in one single medical answer - the one I am anxiously waiting to have and which probably will take another 6 weeks to arrive. Whether I am a carrier of a genetic condition that would explain Ella's illness...
In the meantime, I will just continue to think that Ella is giving me signs, and that today she was pointing the way to my rainbow baby... and so in the meantime, I will go on with my journey.
Showing posts with label signs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label signs. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Ladybugs and other winged creatures
It was not until at about 2 months after Ella's passing that I started seeing a pattern. I was looking for signs from my little angel early on and really had not seen anything, although I asked her to come see me, but it was clear the signs were there, I just was not apt to see them at the time.
The first moment Ella grabbed my attention was on the very day that Ella's Daddy and I returned to the ICU together. I had been back to the ICU by myself, almost everyday to be exact, but this was Daddy's first time since Ella had got her wings. It was spring, a warm day and the window on Daddy's side of the car was open. As I stopped at a light, something came in to the car and landed on Daddy. A tiny little red ladybug… She stayed on his arm while we waited on the light, and seconds before it changed, she flew out as gently as she came in. We both noticed it, but said nothing.
The second time was a little later in the spring, a week before Mother's Day. I was sitting with friends at the ball park on a Sunday as I had done every weekend while I was pregnant Ella. And on that particular day, the many moms that were pregnant at the same time I was were enjoying a beautiful, relaxing day with their babies. As I watched them and thought of my baby Ella, no longer with us, I just cracked… I just flipped out and ran away in tears. I made it as far as Starbucks, a couple of blocks away, dried my tears, got myself a drink and proceeded to call my friend Cathy on my way back to the ballpark, still very emotional from the pain. As I reached the park, something just flew into by bosom… I yelled, then tried to wiggle the bug out (yup, I really did – laughing my head off by then while still on the phone) but nothing worked so I just gave up, finished my conversation with Cat and then sat back down on my blanket only to have not a bug, but rather a red ladybug slowly walk out on to my arm. It stayed there for a good 10-15 minutes. And then it just flew away.
Soon after that encounter, I was going through all the condolences cards we’d received. One of the first one that came, from my friend Yvonne, just jumped at me. A simple photograph on the cover: a beautiful white mum, with a gorgeous red ladybug. It still did not really dawn on me…
And then, as I was going through documents, I came across something I’d completely forgotten about. A photo session was done at BC Women’s Hospital, on the day that Ella was discharged. On that day, I finally dressed her up in one of the outfits I finally bought. I had picked a preemie onesie, white with a bit of red and yellow, but most importantly it had a ladybug on it with a French line “Une cocinnelle avec des ailes” (a children rhyme that means a ladybug, with wings). By then, the memories of the ladybugs I encountered resurfaced… and it all became so clear. Ladybugs were Ella’s call sign to me!
Afterall, both my sister and I had been a “cocinnelle” when we were kids (competitive gymnastic team). And then, there was the outfit that her Dad picked for her (a top actually as he forgot to bring a bottom!). It was a cream colored camisole with a red sweater chale that tied up at the front. On the bottom right of there was a big red ladybug, and at the top, a couple of lsmaller adybugs separated by flowers.
An then, there was the ladybug that just flew on to my friend Charles, while were were in an indoor garage talking about Ella coming to me as a ladybug and about the fact that, an hour earlier I asked Ella for a sign that it was okay and she understood mommy’s reasons for separating from Daddy….
So, since that day, ladybugs and other winged creatures have been coming out of nowhere to help me deal with my grief and cheer me on with my life. More chapters of the ladybugs and other winged creatures will follow shortly. You’ll just have to be patient for one more day or so!
The first moment Ella grabbed my attention was on the very day that Ella's Daddy and I returned to the ICU together. I had been back to the ICU by myself, almost everyday to be exact, but this was Daddy's first time since Ella had got her wings. It was spring, a warm day and the window on Daddy's side of the car was open. As I stopped at a light, something came in to the car and landed on Daddy. A tiny little red ladybug… She stayed on his arm while we waited on the light, and seconds before it changed, she flew out as gently as she came in. We both noticed it, but said nothing.
The second time was a little later in the spring, a week before Mother's Day. I was sitting with friends at the ball park on a Sunday as I had done every weekend while I was pregnant Ella. And on that particular day, the many moms that were pregnant at the same time I was were enjoying a beautiful, relaxing day with their babies. As I watched them and thought of my baby Ella, no longer with us, I just cracked… I just flipped out and ran away in tears. I made it as far as Starbucks, a couple of blocks away, dried my tears, got myself a drink and proceeded to call my friend Cathy on my way back to the ballpark, still very emotional from the pain. As I reached the park, something just flew into by bosom… I yelled, then tried to wiggle the bug out (yup, I really did – laughing my head off by then while still on the phone) but nothing worked so I just gave up, finished my conversation with Cat and then sat back down on my blanket only to have not a bug, but rather a red ladybug slowly walk out on to my arm. It stayed there for a good 10-15 minutes. And then it just flew away.
Soon after that encounter, I was going through all the condolences cards we’d received. One of the first one that came, from my friend Yvonne, just jumped at me. A simple photograph on the cover: a beautiful white mum, with a gorgeous red ladybug. It still did not really dawn on me…
And then, as I was going through documents, I came across something I’d completely forgotten about. A photo session was done at BC Women’s Hospital, on the day that Ella was discharged. On that day, I finally dressed her up in one of the outfits I finally bought. I had picked a preemie onesie, white with a bit of red and yellow, but most importantly it had a ladybug on it with a French line “Une cocinnelle avec des ailes” (a children rhyme that means a ladybug, with wings). By then, the memories of the ladybugs I encountered resurfaced… and it all became so clear. Ladybugs were Ella’s call sign to me!
Afterall, both my sister and I had been a “cocinnelle” when we were kids (competitive gymnastic team). And then, there was the outfit that her Dad picked for her (a top actually as he forgot to bring a bottom!). It was a cream colored camisole with a red sweater chale that tied up at the front. On the bottom right of there was a big red ladybug, and at the top, a couple of lsmaller adybugs separated by flowers.
An then, there was the ladybug that just flew on to my friend Charles, while were were in an indoor garage talking about Ella coming to me as a ladybug and about the fact that, an hour earlier I asked Ella for a sign that it was okay and she understood mommy’s reasons for separating from Daddy….
So, since that day, ladybugs and other winged creatures have been coming out of nowhere to help me deal with my grief and cheer me on with my life. More chapters of the ladybugs and other winged creatures will follow shortly. You’ll just have to be patient for one more day or so!
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