Countdown Has Begun

It's official, the coundown has begun...
And I can't do anything about it...
Not, one single thing...

Time won't stop...
No matter how clever I think...
I can be at willing it...

The countdown was always there...
Ticking away...

But with the shift from Feb. 28...
To March 1...
It has stuck me...
As the most cruel...

With all of us now in March...
I can't escape it...

Every day is a stronger reminder...
Than the next...
On what's to come on March 27...

Every day is full of memories...
Some that were hopeful...
And then the reality of the events...
Hits me right in the face...

And as if that was not enough...
It is a constant reminder...
Of what I wanted to do...
But could not do...
To honour Ella yet...

A long list await...
But life gets in the way...

Life for now equates with work...
The place where although I know it helps...
I can't focus on my daughter as much as I'd like...

The place where I started having panick attacks again...
The place where I find myself in tears, more and more daily...
Not because someone is mean...
Not because of the work load...
But simply because the countdown is on...

The place, like the rest of the world, where everyone has a life...
A real life..
Although maybe not always happy...
A life without the black cloud...

A place that I must be at...
Because otherwise I won't be able...
To keep my home, Ella's home...

Rare Disease Day went un-noticed...
The Olympics celebrations nearly had the best of me...
Not because I was out partying and enjoying it...
But rather because I cannot celebrate life...
The way that it would have been celebrated...
If Ella was with me physically still...

The countdown has begun...
And I can't do anything about it...

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

Blessings

As I returned from spending some time with Ella today, it occured to me that there are so many experiences I have not written about yet, so I'm now going to aim to put pen to paper, or key to screen actually, every day to immortalize memories as best as I can.

There are so many things to write about: how so wonderfully supportive my family and friends have been in helping me work through this ordeal; how so many of Ella's caregivers are now tucked in my heart as my friends and family are for all they have done for her, and for my family; what a wonderful day I had on Ella's first birthday and in the days prior to it to prepare it, baking my heart out and planning a full on birthday party for my baby girl; how generous my friends and her dad's friends have been in supporting Ella's memories...

For tonight, I'll settle on counting my blessings.
The blessings that come clearer in the sky when I am feeling more at peace.
The blessings that take form in my old and new friends who worry about me, who support me, who love me and care for me.
The blessings for my mom and dad who through this painful time have both been rocks for me in their own rights.
The blessings that I can see a pretty flower and say thank you to Ella for opening my eyes to it.
The blessings that Ella, though she did not have the lungs for it, spent almost 8 months being a happy, smiley girl who most of the time did not know she was sick.
The blessings that I have so many mementos of her: her clothes, her toys, her lifecast hands and feet, her pictures, her videos and all my memories.
The blessings that bring old friends together to share very special moments which make you whole again.
The blessings of strangers, like Maria the grand-mother I met at the cemetary, the clerk at the store who gave Ella an angel, the Global/Virgin One Radio Morning/ Ocean Radio Morning/BCCH Foundation for all their tireless efforts and support.
The blessings of nurses who like Jane from Now I lay Me Down to Sleep took multiple pictures of Ella with her family in the days before she got her wings.
The blessings of doctors who fought so hard to figure out what was going on with my girl, and to save her.
The blessings of Rachel, a fellow mom at BCCH who was by my side when Ella gave us the biggest warning sign of what was to come and whom brought me an angel coin which I carry with me everywhere still to bring me strength and peace.
The blessings of Martine who before we flew to Montreal offered all her baby gear to make Ella comfortable on our trip.
The blessings that I can now spend some time with friends and their babies - and appreciate life with them.
And the blessings of Jennifer, a woman who saw our story on the Telethon and donated to BCCH in Ella's name because of it.

While my eyes and ears are not always tuned on to these blessings (and those mentionned here are only a few of ten s of thousands of blessings we've had thanks to Ella), Ella's is sending them to me, always. I just have to carefully listen to, see, taste, touch and smell them. And to be able to do so, I am now engaging in a process or self re-discovery. By myself, with my friends, with my family, with my therapist, with the grief counsellor, with my chaplain at BCCH and eventually, maybe one day, with a man who will love me for and in spite of all the tribulations I have been through in the last two years and who will want to be part of my and Ella's lives and possibly her brother or sister I hope to bring in to this world one day.

In the meantime, I will continue to count my blessings.

How?

How do I? How do I get myself to a place where I am at peace?
How can I? When you are up there on your cloud instead of being right here with me, in my arms...
How do I? How do I stop the hurt from over powering me every day when I know if you had lived you'd be doing something new for me to rejoice over?
How do I? How do I deal with the thousands of questions I have in my head on how this could have happened to you?
How can I? How can I stop the guilty feelings I have that I somehow caused your illness?
How do I? How do I turn time back time, to a day where you were healthy and happy?
How do I? How do I cope when everyone around has returned to their own lives and I am left with an empty one?
How will I? How will I react when I finally get answers on what’s to come?

Hows are the big questions. And they leave me so empty of answers at this stage. I am doing all I need to be doing to "fix" myself and I know I am making progress. Yet I feel still, after almost 5 months, like it's 1 step forward, 3 steps backwards. And that's on a good day!

My heart aches for the fact that your dad and I cannot find the right way to communicate and grieve together. My heart screams for you to come see me in my dreams.

I miss your touch, I miss your smell, I miss your smile. I miss my baby girl and I am terrified that time will rob my memories of you and that they will fade away.

Don't ever leave me. I need you by my side. Always.

Today would have been...

As I headed to see and spend some time with Ella this morning, it occured to me that today was the day.

The day that, had Ella been healthy, I would have had to return to work. Not only would have had to stop spending my days with my baby girl, today would have been the day that she would have had to join daycare, or be with with a caretaker other than her dad or myself. I just started to ball at the thought that Ella and I will never get to experience so many of those moments that you never think you will be robbed of...

Instinctively, I've blocked off the thoughts of milestones. And as silly as it is, I was just two days ago writing to another angel mommy about the need to celebrate the milestones and to embrace the ones we will never get to see. The only milestone I was focused on for the last few months was Ella's first birthday. And while I drove myself mad to make sure all was perfect on that day, and it almost was, it never occured to me that today would be the day to make me break down again...

Afterall, I thought I was doing okay. Keeping Ella's memories safe and secure not only in my heart but in a few special boxes in the living room where I can always access them as I need to. In there, if you know where to look, you'll find her birth certificate, her hospital bracelets (I've kept them all), her first princess sticker and her first snoopy bandaid. The pictures of her as a tiny peanut, in my tummy, The picture cds and videos I've copied so that if I lose the data on my computer, I don't lose her. There is also a tooth case which is empty... and her baby book which I still have not had the strength to complete....

Today would have been the day....

Instead, today was the day that I went for one of my weekly therapies, feeling like I had to more than I wanted to - a couple of hours at the barn, surrounded by nothing but horses who instinctivey know that my heart is broken and my soul is soul-less. And as I focus on connecting with the horses, I reflect on the fact that today is a gift that Ella has given me.

You see, Ella and I were supposed to make horses our thing. While I've done it all my life, Vancouver and horses had not yet equated. There was too much work, not enough money, too much to do... You know the drill and the excuses... But a few weeks after Ella passed away, I knew that if I ever wanted to stay alive, I had to go back to my roots and focus on something that throughout my life had brought me peace and happiness. And that focus comes with horses. I'd contacted a young lady who took heart to my story and brought me in to the barn where she keeps her mare. I was meant to try out her mare but chickened out. I did however that day make a commitment to ride again, and I have. It only makes sense since there were so many signs Ella was sending me: the young lady I connected with is from Mtl, she's got an advertising background like I do, we both share a passion for photography and most importantly, her mare's name is Lilly - one of my top picks for Ella before she was born. Some would say it's just coincidence. I say, it's Ella pointing me the way.

And today was the day that after 4 months, I found myself giggling on a horse as I jumped a fence with so much "override" I nearly fell off.

Though she's always with me, today is the day that Ella and I both rode together truly for the first time.