On November 16, 2009 I should have been celebrating the beginning of my 5th year in Vancouver...
On November 16, 2009 I should have been able to tuck my daughter in, sing her gently to sleep and tell her how much I love her...
On November 16, 2009 I should have been able to hear my daughter say "Je t'aime" as she trailed into dreamland...
Instead, on November 16, 2009 I was faced with the gross realization that it had been 7 months and 20 days since my daughter passed away in my arms...
And that the next day, she'll have been an angel longer than she's been alive by my side...
What a way to start a week, ugh?
But as I reflect on that day and those thoughts more specifically, I know that as this 5th year in Vancouver starts there is a wind of change that lifts me up. A wind that is powered by two very small lungs... Two very healthy lungs that belong to one hell of an angel... Angel Ella, my baby girl!
She is the force that makes me get up and breathe...
She is the strength that allows me to feel, feel with every ounce of my body... something I was probably unable to do very well before she came into my life....
She heightens my sense of smell... She is the spring in my step... and the song in my heart... The pupil of my eyes...
She brings me to tears and always follows through with a smile or a good giggle...
Without Ella, I might have gone on to live my life as uneventfully as I did before...
Without Ella, I might have not paid it forward as much...
Without Ella, I might not have really known what it was like to live and to really love....
And as I go about my day, there is not one moment that she is not on my mind..
I can still sense Ella's touch on my cheeks as she reaches for my hair...
I can still smell her baby smell...
I can still see every roll of her body as she dances playfully...
I can still feel the slight tug of my hair as she twists it over and over around her little finger...
And who could forget about "le doigt d'honneur" - that middle finger that would pop up on one hand as the other would give you a piece sign... F you and peace all at once - what a diplomat she was :)
I so wish I could have it all back, just for one more minute... to hold her... to sing to her... to kiss her... to tell her I love her...
That won't be possible until I meet her in afterlife, I know... And so I've decided that I would continue to do what I've been doing in the last nearly eight months and which has been working quite well so far: live knowing that Ella is always with me...
I know... you probably think I've lost my marbles... But why not?
Ella got me back on a horse after 4 years away... Afterall, that was supposed to be "our" thing.
Ella got me to start yoga... Okay, that one is not as much her as what happened to her. I just needed to something to help ground me. But I know she gets me through it!
Ella showed me pink glittery gum boots I had to buy last week, a couple of days after I went looking for puddles to play in (and did play in) because if Ella had been alive, that's what we would do together...
As Ella would have been 16 months in 2 weeks, we would be at the stage of doing crafts together and now thanks to her, I have a desire to be more creative - something from deep inside me that I am rediscovering... All in her memory but also because if Ella was with me, that's what we would do...
But in her passing, Ella gave me a beautiful gift... The gift of our lives together and our story... and though it is indeed a tragic story, it is a story to which I would make no changes except to bring her back...
Today, I was able to share that story with a room full of colleagues as I prepare to return to work on Monday... Some I know very well and some I'd never met... And just like it has been the case since Ella's passing, she continues to touch people... Or is it that we, together as mother and daughter, touch people...
Someone told me yesterday that Ella and I have a very special gift to share....
Someone told me last month that at 35 his life is not nearly as full and fulfilling as Ella's life has been and that he is inspired by her and how she continues to motivate people to be better individuals...
As I embark on new adventures, Ella will be with me just as she was today when I faced my fears head on. It will not be an easy road... It will not be a steady road... But with a rock-solid little girl like Ella with me, there is absolutely no way I can get lost...
ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels
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