Memorial, Lanterns and Mischief

On November 8, 2009, a day after Ella's 15-month birthday was a very special event. The kind of event one would pray to never be invited to, if it even crossed their mind as they became a parent... As only a select few do get invited... or so it seemed to me in March…

But the reality of it is there are a lot more select “us" out there than one might think. Those "us" are bereaved parents... And the event was the Remembering Our Children event...

Organized by Canuck Place volunteers, the event consisted of a brief, joyful yet intense memorial service followed by a lantern-lit walk at Canuck Place. And here is how it played for me that night...

I showed up to the memorial service by myself.... my support friend not being able to join me after all that evening because life was simply taking over that day… (no criticism here, I understand how life goes, believe me!).

Fortunately, I thought, I had lined up another support friend. And there was still a chance that Ella's dad might show up; as he said he would come...

Well, as luck would have it, my second support friend was late and Ella's dad did not show up.... And because I sat in the 2nd row, toward the corner of the room - in front of the musicians - I could not easily be reached by my friend who showed up late... Silly, I know. And I won't make that mistake again...

So, as it happened, my friend Linda, chaplain at BCCH and my family for this special event sat in the back - and though I looked for her, I just could not see her... I was actually looking back right over her head, not realizing she was there... It was kind of funny actually, in retrospect, as I must have turned around 50 times, out of fear, desperation and reflex - all thrown into one....

Why fear and desperation? Because I was alone... Well, not really... but yeah, so I thought... in the moment…

While I was surrounded by fellow angel parents and their families, most of whom I know from the Canuck Place bereavement group, I was the only one unaccompanied… (remember I thought Linda was a no show)... And while a few of those parents and I spoke, exchanged stories, even laughed and one offered for me to sit with her and her husband before the ceremony started, I stayed where I was with an empty seat next to me, praying that Linda would show up...

But back to the fear and desperation...

It began a few minutes before the actual service started… Those who know me know how much music is an intrinsic part of my life… And it became clear that I was going to lose it as two guitarists started playing and singing a Beatles song …

But I tried my best not to lose it…

By the time the service started, tears were rolling off my cheeks like a cascade…
And as Eric, chaplain of Canuck Place, spoke I was already a complete mush…

I don’t know if it hit me so hard because Ella’s passing is still very raw… Or because I was by myself… Or because it was an opportunity to take in the enormity of it all… something I did not really do at Ella’s funeral because I was in “I must keep it together” mode that day…

All I know is that the service, as beautiful as it was and as serene as it was meant to be, hit me real hard… It must have done something similar to a few moms around me as we glanced at each others’ in understanding with tearful eyes...

There are 3 moments in the service that stand in my mind…

The first? A poem that Eric read, which upon hearing it, sent me even further into a spin… It’s called “We remember you” and though Eric adapted it to speak of many children whose families were present; it spoke to me and me alone at that moment as it had when it was read at Ella’s funeral on April 4, 2009 by, if I recall correctly, her Godfather Will…

The second is how a member of each family was offered the opportunity to light a candle during the ceremony and place it into a sandbox (which for me was the perfect metaphor – playful and exactly as children’s memories and souls should be) and we then mentioned their name out to the group… I got through it and that very candle is on my mantle now, surrounded by pictures of Ella’s and moulds of her little hands and feet…

The third came at the very end when Kathryn, a clinical counsellor, invited everyone to shine to the sky a little gadget that beans a ray of light as the group sang “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”… And right there, I lost it again…

You see, Ella fell asleep every night at BCCH on that very music… And as if that was not enough, that same melody is that of a song I sang to her from the day I knew I was pregnant “Ah-vous-dirais-je Maman”, to soother her - and me… To the very day she died… Every single day… And even now…

By the time we’d sang the song and the service ended, I was physically and emotionally drained, having cried all the tears in my body…

And that’s when Ella first interfered!

Linda, my friend and my family was “revealed” to me… She gave me a huge hug and all the fears and despair were lifted… But that was only the beginning…

Linda and I now headed, as did all the families, back to Canuck Place. It had rained all day. The ground was wet, it was a dark night and the air was crisp… But that did not matter, as Canuck Place was festive…

Not festive as in decked out for Christmas… But festive in a very solemn, yet very bright and beautiful way… Oh, and the rained had stopped!

There seemed to be 100s of lanterns on the garden grounds…. I actually don’t know how many there were and did not dare to ask as the answer would have daunting – each lantern representing the soul of a child taken too soon to become an angel…

The staff of Canuck Place welcomed us, offered us some hot cider (a cheerful treat on such a cool Fall evening) and then sent us to walk around the gardens to find the lantern which belonged to our child…

As Linda and I started exploring, looking at every single lantern’s name to find Ella’s, we quickly commented how amazingly beautiful it all was, and yet how tragic it was… to see sooooo many lanterns – each for a child who’d died…

As we diligently went about checking each lantern, I commented on the fact that in true Ella style, she’ll make sure that we find her last… And as we came across one lantern which had run out of candle and we got that fixed, Linda thought to herself, something wonky will happen… And that feeling intensified, I later found out, as we came closer to where we’d started…

After a very thorough tour around the Canuck Place gardens, my heart started to sink… I had not found Ella’s lantern…

So, we made our way to the volunteer who knew where each lantern was placed and asked where Ella’s was…

Can you believe that my darling, sweet girl’s lantern was actually at the starting/ending point of our tour – right where Linda and I actually started looking at names and where I told Linda that we would find Ella on the last lantern??? But again, in true Ella style, there was a twist…

A twist I attribute to my mischievous angel… J

Ella’s lantern was not lit… And as we both came to the realization of it - Linda and I just cracked up giggling because we just knew that Ella had been by our side all along, waiting anxiously for us to get to the end / the start and laughing as she got passed us to go “Look Maman - Pffft, pffft, pffft” to blow out the candle with her now healthy lungs!!!

We continued to giggle after lighting the candle as we walked to the new waterfall feature in the gardens to place a memorial rock in the water on which is inscribed “Ella Dupont Bedassie, Love You, Maman”. Not every inspired, I know… I guess my brain was fried from all the tears and giggles!

And then Linda and I both headed home, all the while still laughing and amazed by the turn of events that night…

As I returned to Canuck Place last evening to attend my bereavement group, I went back to the waterfall… And right there, just as I’d left it over a week ago, under the light that beams on it so intently is Ella’s rock! And it is surrounded by all the rocks angel parents placed in memory of their darling child…. just like I know those little angels surround each other up there in Heaven and cheer us on as we attempt to honour them as best as we can while they continue to play tricks on us to keep us on our toes…

ELLA – Everyone Loves Little Angels