7 Weeks And Counting

It's been more than 7 weeks...
7 weeks and 4 days to be exact...

7 weeks and 4 days since I sat here...

And last journaled our journeys - mine and Ella's...

It was November 23, and I recounted...

The day we left BCCH after our 2nd stay...

The day in 2008 when our hope was big and grand...

As we prepared to take our baby home again...

That was 7 weeks and 4 days ago...

And so much has happened since...

7 weeks and 4 days of being back at work...

Even if more than half of that was only part-time...

A first Christmas... without Ella...

A first New Year... without Ella...

A brand new decade... without Ella...

A visit to Montreal...

My first since we took Ella...
To meet her families in October '08....

An emotional flight in, it was...

An entertaining flight back I had...

And quite a fun surprise for my familly I offered in between...

And such a blessing Ella gave me...

By showing me I needed to be with my family...

At this part of our journeys...

And then there is...

A larger bereavement group...

ELLA's bereavement group...

A fact I find so sad because I know...

I know the pain...

The pain that each parent of angels feels...

As they start down this dark journey...

They did not choose to be on...

And yet, it make me grateful...

That through Ella's journey...

Parents come together...

To support each other...

Then there is...
Another grouping of parents...

The X-linked PVNH group...

That Ella also brought together...

A group of parents so strong...

For their families are affected...

By that same rare disease...

That took Ella from us...

They chose to gather...

In one spot together...

To lend support...

And seek help...

And through it all...

I am learning...

Learning to take care of myself...

That I come first...

Back to yoga...

Added acunpunture...

And did I mention my Christmas Tree...

And Ella's Tree...

Are both still up...

Shining their brights lights...

Every night when I get home...

As I reflect on my last 7 weeks and 4 days...

And as I am told by my friends who've been by my side all along...

I know I am making progress...

At my pace...

On my terms...

As little...

Or as much...
As I can handle...

Honouring my daughter...

Thinking of new ways...

To pay it forward...

And living my life on purpose...

For as long as I live...

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

Rainbow of Hope?

On July 23rd, 2009 I was basically a mess. Having a hard time dealing but thankfully friends were right by my side to cheer me on. On that night, Somewhere Over the Rainbow brought me to tears as I so wished I could be over that rainbow with my baby girl... And it became the subject of my blog.

Tonight, it is again about Somewhere Over the Rainbow....

As I prepared myself for what I felt was going to be yet another rough day (How does one know? You just know... How does one prepare? I really don't know other than have people who make you safe by your side), I heard that it was the 70th anniversary of Somewhere Over The Rainbow release by Judy Garland. I remember stopping on that specific thought - but then it went out of my head.

I went about my day as best as I could - my heart not really in it - but at least I tried. It was not a horrible day, just one where I felt numb for most of it, and sad. Just plain sad - although you probably could not tell by just looking at me.

But then at the end of the day, I made my way to see Ella. I didn't go see her yesterday so I was anxious to get there. And as it is so often the case, I just started to sob in my car and ended up crying almost all the way to the cemetary...

As I parked my car, it started to drizzle. Not unsual so far, afterall this is Vancouver! I grabbed my pink cushion (I've discovered that cemetary grass is moist most days and leaves marks - the hard way!), my pink gardener kit (it's for breast cancer research, but you get the idea - Ella was all about pink) to rearrange her flowers and stepped toward my girl. And then it saw it...

Right there, above Ella, was... a rainbow!

I stopped in my tracks, dropped everything from the surprise, and then started to cry. Not for sadness, but rather for joy. For the fact that Ella, I know, sent me a rainbow tonight. A beautiful rainbow, with a definite line of pink... And the rainbow stayed right above us, for the entire time I was with my girl...

I ended up going to catch a movie after seeing Ella. A fun comedy about life, love and serendipity. I came out feeling good about life again. Whether it goes onto tomorrow, I won't know just yet.

But I do know one thing. Ella sends me signs. How do I know? I often ask Ella for signs that she understands what is going on in my life, why I made/make the decisions that I do or for signs of what's to come. Today was one of those days of asking for a sign... And just like everytime I've asked her for sign, one came and I was able to read it.

There is an expression amongst bereaved mothers: rainbow baby... It means having a healthy baby after the passing of your child. Deep down, I've been wishing for that rainbow baby...

Not to forget about Ella. Not to replace Ella. But because I was meant to give life, not death. And because Ella deserves to have a brother or a sister that will love her well beyond my life is complete. And because I still want to continue to be a mother... I was and still am damn good at it! Although I know that if I am that blessed, I will be a basket case for the rest of life, worrying about my child...

Whether or not that could happen currently resides in one single medical answer - the one I am anxiously waiting to have and which probably will take another 6 weeks to arrive. Whether I am a carrier of a genetic condition that would explain Ella's illness...

In the meantime, I will just continue to think that Ella is giving me signs, and that today she was pointing the way to my rainbow baby... and so in the meantime, I will go on with my journey.