Looking for answers...

It's been nearly a year....

In fact, next Thursday, Oct. 8, will mark the one year anniversary of obvious physical signs that supported what already knew... That my daughter Ella was sick... and that I did not why or from what....

How ironic is it that on the day I was taking a second formal step in figuring out how I can give Ella a brother or sister, the dreaded news came.... The news I'd been longing for, formally for a year minus a week although I questioned it from the day she was born... and which in the last few days I had secretely wished would never comes as a formal diagnostic...

Today, hours after meeting with the counsellor that would "clear" me to become a mom again, I got the news... Ella had a disease... And that disease now has a name... A disease which I may have passed on to her... A disease which, clearer than ever now, would take her life... Ella was missing a very crucial gene and there is no way we could have ever predicted it... or even saved her...

One doctor called it... And yet it was not thought of as being a the real cause for her illess... And then a pathologist called it, and still it was not thought of as being THE diagnostic... I guess science does not lie as today, both a doctor and a pathologist were in my thoughts and in my heart as I heard the news....

Ella, my sweet, vivacious, bright as button and so happy and charismatic litte girl did not stand a chance... And now, I am faced with a whole lot more questions than I started my day with...

Did I pass this genetic disorder to her... Can it happen again.... Could the stress and discontent that was surrounding me during pregnancy and what should have been the best days of my life contribute to Ella's illness? Could a diagnostic last November have rendered a better quality of life for my angel for those few precious months she had with us? Was there TRULY nothing we could do to save her?

As I ponder on all of those questions tonight, I am in disbelief... Disbelief that such a perfect little girl, with a smile that lit the sky and eyes that saw right through your soul, could be striken with such a radical illness that it silently kills her from the inside out...

Ella, I know was here for a reason. She has taught me so many lessons - some I never wished to learn and did not have a choice to learn; and some that were repeated to me for years on end and I still did not get them until now...

And as I strive to honour Ella and do right by her, I am left wondering what the future holds and if I am right in thinking from the moment I realized something was off with my baby girl, that I did this do her, completely oblivious and unaware of it.... or if this was a fluke of nature that brought me my little angel to teach me a lesson and make everyone's lives around more meaningful because she was part of it...

I doubt I'll find out about most of those answers in this lifetime, and in the meantime I will hang on to the thought that my beautiful angel Ella will send me the next best thing to her resurecting: a beautiful and healthy rainbow baby....

ELLA
Everyone Loves Little Angels

Rainbow of Hope?

On July 23rd, 2009 I was basically a mess. Having a hard time dealing but thankfully friends were right by my side to cheer me on. On that night, Somewhere Over the Rainbow brought me to tears as I so wished I could be over that rainbow with my baby girl... And it became the subject of my blog.

Tonight, it is again about Somewhere Over the Rainbow....

As I prepared myself for what I felt was going to be yet another rough day (How does one know? You just know... How does one prepare? I really don't know other than have people who make you safe by your side), I heard that it was the 70th anniversary of Somewhere Over The Rainbow release by Judy Garland. I remember stopping on that specific thought - but then it went out of my head.

I went about my day as best as I could - my heart not really in it - but at least I tried. It was not a horrible day, just one where I felt numb for most of it, and sad. Just plain sad - although you probably could not tell by just looking at me.

But then at the end of the day, I made my way to see Ella. I didn't go see her yesterday so I was anxious to get there. And as it is so often the case, I just started to sob in my car and ended up crying almost all the way to the cemetary...

As I parked my car, it started to drizzle. Not unsual so far, afterall this is Vancouver! I grabbed my pink cushion (I've discovered that cemetary grass is moist most days and leaves marks - the hard way!), my pink gardener kit (it's for breast cancer research, but you get the idea - Ella was all about pink) to rearrange her flowers and stepped toward my girl. And then it saw it...

Right there, above Ella, was... a rainbow!

I stopped in my tracks, dropped everything from the surprise, and then started to cry. Not for sadness, but rather for joy. For the fact that Ella, I know, sent me a rainbow tonight. A beautiful rainbow, with a definite line of pink... And the rainbow stayed right above us, for the entire time I was with my girl...

I ended up going to catch a movie after seeing Ella. A fun comedy about life, love and serendipity. I came out feeling good about life again. Whether it goes onto tomorrow, I won't know just yet.

But I do know one thing. Ella sends me signs. How do I know? I often ask Ella for signs that she understands what is going on in my life, why I made/make the decisions that I do or for signs of what's to come. Today was one of those days of asking for a sign... And just like everytime I've asked her for sign, one came and I was able to read it.

There is an expression amongst bereaved mothers: rainbow baby... It means having a healthy baby after the passing of your child. Deep down, I've been wishing for that rainbow baby...

Not to forget about Ella. Not to replace Ella. But because I was meant to give life, not death. And because Ella deserves to have a brother or a sister that will love her well beyond my life is complete. And because I still want to continue to be a mother... I was and still am damn good at it! Although I know that if I am that blessed, I will be a basket case for the rest of life, worrying about my child...

Whether or not that could happen currently resides in one single medical answer - the one I am anxiously waiting to have and which probably will take another 6 weeks to arrive. Whether I am a carrier of a genetic condition that would explain Ella's illness...

In the meantime, I will just continue to think that Ella is giving me signs, and that today she was pointing the way to my rainbow baby... and so in the meantime, I will go on with my journey.