A Ladybug with Wings

On October 27, 2010, I went to work with a heavy heart... as I do, every 27th of every month.

19 months ago, I said goodbye to my girl, Ella.

And although my heart was heavy and tears were on the surface, I could not help but smile and get real excited as the sun came out. I thought "Thanks Ella, maman needed the sun today".

So, on my work break I headed outside to enjoy the warm of this beautiful Fall sun by the waterfront, in a spot I have not visited since before Ella was born. And I just stood there for a while, reflecting on the last three years of my life and all that's hapened, I felt sad for the obvious reasons and grateful for such a beautiful day.

I then rejoined a group of colleagues outside. And as I approached them, someone pointed to one of my team member "ladybug - on you". And I stopped breathing...

If you have followed my journey, you know that Ella sends me ladybugs. In the weirdest places, with the outmost perfect timing.

What you may not know is there were very few ladybug moments this year and I would be tempted to say barely any. So this ladybug, landing on a dear friend, in between cement building by the water and staying there for a little while before flying up, up, up and away on Ella's angel anniversary was quite the sweet gift.

It brought the good kind of tears to the surface. It allowed me to focus for the rest of the day and feel content that Ella knew to take care of my soul today as she does so well on so many occasions.

And as I stopped by the cemetary later that day to bring her fresh flowers, I was pleasantly surprised to see a goose, lying down, a few feet away, just chilling, my heart heavyness was lifted once again.

I had expected a good cry and most definitely sadness, but instead, I once again said thank you to Ella, for sending me another one of my favorite winged creatures to cheer me up.

Thanks bubba, maman loves you!

PS - Take a look at the picture. It took a while for me to realize it but this one is the earliest recording of the many ladybug moments :)

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

Travelling the World

On Oct. 24, 2008...
Ella started to travel the world...

A hop on on a plane...
A stop in Winnipeg...
A much anticipated visit...
To meet her granpapa Kumar...
And her grandmamaman Kamla...
Her great-cousins and their families...

It was meant to be a month long trip...
Taking us...
From Winnipeg to Montréal...
To meet my side of the family...
And for me to enjoy my time off with my baby girl...

I still remember how Ella was quiet...
And happy, really...

While I stuggled to get answers...
For the problems I already knew we were facing....

Ella had gone in the day before...
For a second lung xray...
And by some stroke of luck...
Or rather what I call now...
Writing in the sky...
Ella was seen by the radiology technician....
Who had performed the first xray 10 days earlier..

And he remembered...
Ella...
My Ella...

Long story short...
There was indeed progress of the wrong kind...
In her little lungs...

And so I desperatly tried to get...
Radiology and paediatry to talk...
Even minutes before we boarded our plane...

Our flight took off...
With Ella in my arms...
Peaceful...

She fed...
And she slept...
In my arms...
And in her baby seat...

She played with my hair...
And smiled to flight attendants...
Oblivious to my worries...

Which came crashing in...
Minutes after we landed...

"Ms. Dupont, this is Dr. H...
We need you to come back to Vancouver...
To run further tests"...

As my heart sank...
I remember grabbing a pen and paper...
And noting on it...
A list of details...
I knew I needed to remember...
As my brain shut down...

My baby was sick...

I already knew it...
I could not prove it...
But my gut had yelled it...
From the day she was born...

I also clearly recall...
Asking Dr. H...
Who was requesting our immediate return...
If a couple of days would make a difference...

I had to take my girl...
To Montréal to meet my family...
Her family...

I did not know what the answer would be...
And I honestly can't say I would have listened...
Had the doc said don't go to Montréal...

It's as though I knew...
That it would be...
Ella's one and only...
Trip back East...

So we went to Montréal...
And when we arrived at my parents' place...
I was faced with telling Ella's other grandma...
Grand-maman Gigi...
My own maman...
And grand-papa Jacques...
That Ella was sick...
And that we would not stay...
As we had planned to...

Instead, we made the best...
Of the little time we had...

Ella met her cousins...
Samia and Renaud...
And she met my friend Anick...

She played with grand-maman Gigi...
She was photographed by grand-papa Jacques...
And actually was the superstar...
On a photo shoot...
Organized by her uncle Martin...

Ella also was pampered...
By aunty Marie-Claude...
To whom I later found out...
She gave a big scare...
Because of her laboured breathing...

The only ingredients missing...
Were my brother and his wife...
Who at the of our visit...
Were away on a trip...

It would have been a month...
Of time with family...
With friends...
With at least a visit to Québec City...
And another one to Ottawa...

It would have been enough time...
For Ella to meet her uncle Jacques-André...
And auntie Janic...

And then after that month...
Visits to Yellowknife...
And Trinidad...
Would have been complemented...
Possibly by a trip overseas...

At least that was the plan...

Fast forward 2 years...
And tomorrow, October 27th, 2010...
Will be 19 months...
Since I lost Ella...

And yet...
Ella has travelled the world...

Ella still travels the world...

Ella lives in the heart of friends in Ireland...
And Ella brigthens the days of moms in the UK...

Ella inspires families in the U.S....
And Ella shines in Germany...
As well as in many, many other locations...
Around the globe...

She has brought together...
Families from several countries...
Who just like ours...
Have a common diagnosis for this PVNH rare disease...

And so through her passing...
And in the mission she left me...

Ella not only travels the world...

But she lives in
British Columbia....
Québec...
Manitoba...
Ontario...
PEI...
Alberta...
Northwest Territories...
Trinidad...
USA...
Australia...
New Zealand...
Ireland...
Germany...
U.K....
France...
Belgium...
Austria...
South Africa...
Poland...

And Ella continues...
To travel the world....

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

Blessings for late August 2010

Her name is baby K...
And on Saturday, it's as though she showed me the way...

At a full 18 months old...
She is almost 7 months younger than my girl...
(there goes that lucky 7 again)...

And although we started the day as strangers...
K has become a close friend...

She is the daughter...
Of a friend of Ella's uncle D...
And a daddy's girl to boot...

Sporting blond hair and blue eyes...
She could not be further apart...
From my own baby girl...
From my angel...

And that is probably why...
I was able to so openly...
And so carefully..
Without a care in the world...
Spend quite a bit of time...
Getting to know baby K...

As she sang...
And danced....
And talked...
Blew kisses...
And bubbles too...

At aunty Trish...
And at her dad...

As we spent the day...
Getting acquainted...
Baby K...
Helped me feel whole...
Again...

Her breath so calculated...
Her hands so soft...
Her smile so bright...
She is one little determined little girl...

And after a day full day...
Spent so preciously being a toddler...
Baby K fell asleep...
For the 2nd time...
As I took her out for a stroll...

Far from the noise...
Far from the crowd...
On the quiet streets...
So that I could hear her...

Breathe...
Talk...
Sing...
And just be...
Baby K...

Blessings to you Baby K...
For helping me figure out again where my heart is...
And where it belongs...

Blessings to you...
And your family...

Blessing for D & Z...
And their lovely family...
For taking such good care of me...
For their friendship...
And for helping me through tough days...

Blessings for a busy weekend...
Spent outside being carefree...
And for good cries when I needed them...

Blessing to new friendships...
Laughter...
And smiles...

Blessing for uncle D & R...
For being so generous...
And weaving in...
Ella's mission...
Into Baru's anniversary...

Blessings for such a lovely weekend...
Spent doing a lot of nothing...
And recharging my heart...
For yet another day...

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

I Carry You In My Heart by E E Cummings

‎2 years ago on Aug. 14
I was due to welcome
Ella in this world.

Instead I am left
Celebrating the life of an angel
My angel,
Ella

Tonight, on August 14,
I came across
this amazing poem
I will share it with you.

I Carry You In My Heart by E E Cummings

I carry your heart with me
(I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it
(anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart
(I carry it in my heart)

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

Celebrating a Princess

In exactly 32 days...
I would have celebrated...
The life of a princess...
On your second birthday...

In exactly 32 days...
I am left instead...
With honouring...
Your second memorial birthday...

A day that would have included tiaras...
Dress up...
Pretty pink shoes...
Magic wands...
And likely a tea party...

Is now a day to fundraise...

Fundraise for families like ours...
Who have their world turned upside down...
When their child becomes ill...
And fights for life...

Fundraise in memory of an angel...
For families like mine...
Who just as I...
Never knew there was...
A rare disease...
Running through their blood...

Fundraise for moms and dads...
Who find themselves...
In a whirlwind of grief...
As parents without a living child...

In exactly 32 days...
I want to be having...
A princess party...
For my princess Ella...

In exactly 32 days...
I will...
Celebrate the life...
Of a princess...

My princess...

And in exactly 32 days...
I know that up in the sky...
Right there upon your cloud...

You will send me sunshine...
Songs...
And music...

You'll twirl for me...
Wearing your pink gown...
Pink slippers...
Your sweetest smile...

And of course, your princess tiara...

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

"I'm Listening Ella"

It's been more than 3 months...
3 long months and yet they've gone so fast...

3 months since I found the courage...
And the energy...
To put thoughts to computer...
But tonight...
It is time...
Because...
"I'm listening Ella"...

After a whirlwind of days up and down...
Days where I hit the lowest of lows...
Lower than what I'd experienced...
Since your last breath...

Days where I barely had a moment to think...
About you...
Me...
Or anything else...

Days where I felt like just giving up...
Days when I got angry...
Real angry...
At your cemetery's management at Forest Lawn...
For actions so uncompassionate...
And so utterly disrespectful...

Days where my heart filled with sorrow...
For other families experiencing... W
hat we'd gone through...
Just a year earlier...

Days where my health...
And inability to make us a family again...
Became another source of stress...

Days when my heart filled with pride...
At how many people love you...
And remember you...

And days when my family's state of health...
Also became a source of worry...
And yet another reason to fight...
To live...

I'm listening Ella...

Through it all...
Through those last 3 months...
Just like it's been...
For the last 15 months...

I am listening Ella...

I am listening...
To the sound of your voice...

I am listening to the songs of birds...

I am listening to the sounds of waterfalls...
And that of raindrops...

I am listening to parents...
Who have children affected by your disease...
And whom have questions without answers...
And are in need of support...

I am listening to Ella playing...
On the radio...
And in my head...

I am listening...
And always will be...
To your messages...
Which show up at the most unexpected times...
In the most unorthodox ways...

Beyond Ella belting tunes at the hospital coffee shop...
Nearly every time I visit...
To Ella coming on the speakers...
As I tell a friend a story about you...
To the violonist diving into...
One of our songs on the corner of the street...
And to the sound of the summer breeze...

I am listening Ella...

And tonight...
Again...
You talked to me...

It did shake me to the core...
And swept my breath away...

It took me a few minutes to understand...
But it made perfect sense...

A woman...
Standing outside the stall I was in...
Saying...
"I'm listening Ella"...

And minutes later...
A beautiful little girl...
Returning to her restaurant seat...
Flanked by her mom...
The woman I'd seen moments earlier...

I told your uncle Dave...
And he agreed I probably had a near attack right there...
We both got a good laugh...
At how your "Listen to me Maman" statements...
Continue to get throught to me...

And for ever as I shall live...
For ever as I shall breathe...
And until my death reunites us...

"I am listening Ella"...

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

Paying It Forward

For nearly a year now...
I've heard often...
How strong I am...
How generous I am...

For nearly a year now...
I've been honouring my baby Ella's life...
By paying it forward...
In every way I imagine...
As best as I can...

But before I knew how to do it...
There were two moms before me...
Who showed me the way...
Who taught me how...

The first, I've never met...
But I heard...
She lost a child a few years ago...
A child who like Ella...
Was an ICU patient...

That mom who does not know me...
Or knew of Ella...
Carefully put together...
Christmas gifts...
For moms in ICU...
Back in 2008...

A red bag...
Some soft tissues...
A red heart ornament...
A notebook, and a pen...

With it came a note...
Telling me how 3 years before...
She was herself in ICU...
With her son...

And that through the Holidays...
Her thoughts would with be me...
With my child...
With my family...

The heart hung by Ella's bed...
In the notebook...
I could not bring myself to write...
Except for two occasions...
One of which was to note...
"They think you're going to make it"...

Fast forward three months...
And I meet a mom...
In ICU with her daughter...
Whose name also happens to start with an E...
Just like my baby's...

Ella was in bed 18.
And E, her dad and her mother R...
Were our neighbours...

And on the morning of March 19, 2009...
As my girl struggled so seriously just to breathe...
As I nearly lost my daughter...
R and her husband were one of the few people...
Who witnessed everything...
Who saw how close a call it was...
For Ella that day...

Not because they wanted to...
But just because that's how things are...
When your child lies 3 feet away from another...
In an ICU with very few actual rooms...

The following morning...
As she came in to spend the day with her daughter...
R walked over to me...
And handed me a gift...

A coin...
A very special coin...
With a picture of an angel in the front...
And three words inscribed on the back...

HOPE...
FAITH...
BELIEVE...

And as she gave me this gift...
Her words were simple...

When I am upset...
When I am scared...
When I am losing hope...
I must channel all my negative energy...
Into this coin...

And then...
I must focus on charging myself up...
With positive thoughts...
With love...
With strength...
And with faith...
For Ella...
To feel it all through me...

This amazing gift...
R gave me...
Has gotten me through...
Ella's last 8 days...

It has gotten me through...
The dark days...
The rotten days...
The ongoing hurtful days...

But it also has gotten me through...
The sunnier days...
The lovelier days...

It continues to go with me...
Everywhere I venture...
It continues to show me...
That very simple actions...
Sometimes make a world of difference...
In someone's day...

In someone's life...

And so my strength...
Is not entirely my own...
Nor is my generosity...

Both are inspired...
By moms I cherish in my heart...
By moms who just like I've learned how to do...
Simply...
Pay it forward...

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels