One Determined Baby Girl

So it is clear by now...
That my angel..
My baby girl...
Had a will of steel...
And a heart of gold...
And definitely...
More than one trick...
Up her short little sleeves...

And so it should not come...
As a shock to any...
That even after...
Surprising everyone...
At Canuck Place last night...
That she had still...
One more mischief...
In store for all of us...

It turns out that there was...
Indeed a nenuphar...
And a lantern last night...
That both bore Ella's name...

A waterlilly for Ella...
And a lantern for Ella Jacqueline...

The waterlilly...
Came home with me...
But the lantern...
Stayed at Canuck Place...

Simply because...
There was a tenee tiny...
Little doubt in my mind...

And more so...
Because I needed to make sure...
Another parent would not be looking...
For "their" Ella's lantern...

So when I came home last night...
I emailed Laura at Canuck Place...
And told her if after verification...
They confirmed that Ella...
And Ella Jacqueline...
Were indeed one and the same...
I would not mind taking home...
The lantern for my family to enjoy...

I did not expect...
The answer I received...

That last night after the event...
All lanterns were dismantled...
Cleaned...
And packed up...

Including Ella Jacqueline's...
For yet another event...
To happen a year from now...

But upon a last walk through...
In the gardens this am...
Laura came across..
This one, sole...
Un-named...
Lantern...

I picture it...
Still hanging...
As though waiting...

And I can swear in that moment...
Of reading Laura's email ...
I could hear Ella giggle...
Loud and clear...

And say...
"Maman I made sure...
You did get to take the lantern home...
As you so wished to do...
For grand-maman to enjoy..."

It was even more comforting...
To have Laura tell me...
She had kept...
Ella Jacqueline's name tag...

Just as I know in my heart...
That Ella continues...
To illuminate my day...
Every day...

I love how...
Determined and driven...
She was...
And still is...

And how...
She goes out of her way...
To make sure...
I never forget it...

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

A Ladybug with Wings

On October 27, 2010, I went to work with a heavy heart... as I do, every 27th of every month.

19 months ago, I said goodbye to my girl, Ella.

And although my heart was heavy and tears were on the surface, I could not help but smile and get real excited as the sun came out. I thought "Thanks Ella, maman needed the sun today".

So, on my work break I headed outside to enjoy the warm of this beautiful Fall sun by the waterfront, in a spot I have not visited since before Ella was born. And I just stood there for a while, reflecting on the last three years of my life and all that's hapened, I felt sad for the obvious reasons and grateful for such a beautiful day.

I then rejoined a group of colleagues outside. And as I approached them, someone pointed to one of my team member "ladybug - on you". And I stopped breathing...

If you have followed my journey, you know that Ella sends me ladybugs. In the weirdest places, with the outmost perfect timing.

What you may not know is there were very few ladybug moments this year and I would be tempted to say barely any. So this ladybug, landing on a dear friend, in between cement building by the water and staying there for a little while before flying up, up, up and away on Ella's angel anniversary was quite the sweet gift.

It brought the good kind of tears to the surface. It allowed me to focus for the rest of the day and feel content that Ella knew to take care of my soul today as she does so well on so many occasions.

And as I stopped by the cemetary later that day to bring her fresh flowers, I was pleasantly surprised to see a goose, lying down, a few feet away, just chilling, my heart heavyness was lifted once again.

I had expected a good cry and most definitely sadness, but instead, I once again said thank you to Ella, for sending me another one of my favorite winged creatures to cheer me up.

Thanks bubba, maman loves you!

PS - Take a look at the picture. It took a while for me to realize it but this one is the earliest recording of the many ladybug moments :)

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

731 days...

731 days ago, I was meant to play golf in a tournament but my foursome fell through...
731 days ago, I photographed friends enjoying a day of drinking and golfing…
731 days ago, I saw a man with a sweet smile, a big heart and nice buns…
731 days ago, a man captured my attention by sticking his tongue out at me…
731 days ago, I found myself intrigued…
731 days ago, my heart started to beat faster…
731 days ago, your daddy and I met...

Two years have gone by since the day my eyes met your daddy's eyes…
Two years have gone by since your daddy told me we'd forever be connected...

Little did we know we'd have a miracle coming our way to brighten our lives and enlighten so many more…
Little did we know how much we’d fall in love with you…
Little did we know that our miracle would become an amazing angel…

731 days ago, I’d never dreamed I’d be where I am today…
731 days ago, seems like an eternity… and yet, it’s like it was yesterday…
731 days ago, the writing was on the wall...

I love you Ella, my angel! And so does Daddy. Forever and always…

Children know best

As I sit tonight and reflect on the last four months, I can't believe how quickly time flies and how badly I want to find a time machine to go back in time...

I very well know I can't do that and so I ever so gently move forward in my journey, counting my blessings for every beautiful thought and memory of Ella, so happy that she got to meet her paternal and maternal grandparents, her cousins and her aunt. I now strive to see the world for her. 1 step forward, 3 steps back is how it feel but it's probably more like 1 step forward, 2 steps back.

On the evening of Ella's passing, after spending the entire day with my baby girl in my arms saying my goodbye, giving her one last bath, making moulds of her hands and feet, touching her cheeks, stroking her hair and dancing with her so that I never ever forget the feeling of her in my arms, I was fortunate to hold a very special boy who beat all the odds. We'll call him baby A, a twin who before he was born showed a very serious heart condition to his parents and medical team which required open heart surgery days after he stepped out into this world.

Baby A was back for a visit in Vancouver in March and our paths crossed as it had happened when his mom and I spent time together during our pregnancy. This time though, I knew he was not out of the woods and held on to him as I held on to Ella in those last few months. With the hope that all would be okay, with the fear that life could always take a turn we would not expect.

I always felt that baby A knew exactly how I felt that night, and what had happened to my baby girl who hours earlier had earned her wings and went to sit at the BIG table. Baby A not only got me through that evening without me feeling any panic and distress, baby A who I still see and hold every once and a while, gets me through the current pain of outliving my daughter. It's like he knows that I am a mommy with a broken heart and he protects me.

I like to think that Ella makes sure both of us are protected by her brave heart and soul. Baby A is doing well, and though he is smaller than his brother, he definitely has a force, a wiseness already present beyond his almost one year.

Thank you baby A for showing me it's ok to hold a baby and not feel guilty. Thank you Ella for allowing me those few precious moments of peacefulness and for making me want to make every day count.