One Determined Baby Girl

So it is clear by now...
That my angel..
My baby girl...
Had a will of steel...
And a heart of gold...
And definitely...
More than one trick...
Up her short little sleeves...

And so it should not come...
As a shock to any...
That even after...
Surprising everyone...
At Canuck Place last night...
That she had still...
One more mischief...
In store for all of us...

It turns out that there was...
Indeed a nenuphar...
And a lantern last night...
That both bore Ella's name...

A waterlilly for Ella...
And a lantern for Ella Jacqueline...

The waterlilly...
Came home with me...
But the lantern...
Stayed at Canuck Place...

Simply because...
There was a tenee tiny...
Little doubt in my mind...

And more so...
Because I needed to make sure...
Another parent would not be looking...
For "their" Ella's lantern...

So when I came home last night...
I emailed Laura at Canuck Place...
And told her if after verification...
They confirmed that Ella...
And Ella Jacqueline...
Were indeed one and the same...
I would not mind taking home...
The lantern for my family to enjoy...

I did not expect...
The answer I received...

That last night after the event...
All lanterns were dismantled...
Cleaned...
And packed up...

Including Ella Jacqueline's...
For yet another event...
To happen a year from now...

But upon a last walk through...
In the gardens this am...
Laura came across..
This one, sole...
Un-named...
Lantern...

I picture it...
Still hanging...
As though waiting...

And I can swear in that moment...
Of reading Laura's email ...
I could hear Ella giggle...
Loud and clear...

And say...
"Maman I made sure...
You did get to take the lantern home...
As you so wished to do...
For grand-maman to enjoy..."

It was even more comforting...
To have Laura tell me...
She had kept...
Ella Jacqueline's name tag...

Just as I know in my heart...
That Ella continues...
To illuminate my day...
Every day...

I love how...
Determined and driven...
She was...
And still is...

And how...
She goes out of her way...
To make sure...
I never forget it...

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

Remembering Ella

If you've followed my journey
You know that at this time last year
My girl played a huge trick on me
On a day where I became so emotional
At an event put together by Canuck Place
Because I was remembering...
Remembering Ella.

Why so emotional, you say?
Simply because it was, on that day,
And in that moment
As though I was reliving Ella's funeral
And allowing myself to actual live it.

I had been so focused
And determined to be strong
on April 7, 2008.

I kept it together
So much so
That I forgot to live in the moment.

I was frozen in time
And though I listened to every word
Apoken that day
It was almost like they were not registering.

And so a year ago, as I waited for my friend Linda
Who had agreed to be my rock once again
I started to panic
And by the time the ceremony had started
I was in tears.

An hour later,
Linda and I were walking through
Canuck Place gardens and laughing...
Laughing so hard!

And so tonight, as I went to
Remembering Our Children
To remember Ella
Ella in all her glory
And Ella in all her mischief
I kept thinking
How can she pull it off?

And throw me off my game
As she did last year
And bring me from buckets of tears
To belly laughs that hurt your cheeks
In a matter of a few minutes.

True to form
Ella did not disappoint.

As I stood to go light a candle
In her memory
The glow globe given to us by Canuck Place
And which stood by me,
By my bum actually,
Lit up full of colours.

She lit up my bum!!!

And again in that moment
I went from tears
To a huge smile.

But that was only the beginning...

As Linda and I walked the Canuck Place gardens
My friend Shauna came up to inquire if I'd found Ella's lantern
And asked if Jacqueline was indeed her middle name.

I quickly warned her "don't tell me where she is!"

Minutes later
Laura who works at Canuck Place
Said some of the kids like Ella
Were this year remembered on
What we call in French
A nénuphar*.

And so, about a foot away
From where her lantern stood in the dark last year
Linda and I found Ella's nénuphar.

And this time, the tealight was still lit.

I almost felt disappointed
To find her so quickly
Until I remembered Shauna's comment...

The nénuphar only said Ella...
Not "Ella Jacqueline"!

So we found Laura
And asked her if there was another Ella.

"No", she said, "there is only your Ella".

And both Linda and I giggled
At the thought that Ella once again
Tricked the Canuck Place team.

So where is her lantern?, I asked Shauna.

"Are you sure you want to know?"
Yup, gotta see that lantern!
"Right there in the bushes"...
As she pointed.

Linda and I walked over
And still could not find her
It took Laura, Linda, myself and another CP volunteer
Another good 5 minutes
To finally find the lantern.

And there in all her glory
Was a beautiful lantern
For Ella Jacqueline
Under a clear, crisp fall evening
Shining bright
On Ella's 27th month birthday.

* nénuphar is a waterlilly - I actually did not know this until just now when I looked it up. Lilly was one of the names high on my list for Ella :)

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

A Ladybug with Wings

On October 27, 2010, I went to work with a heavy heart... as I do, every 27th of every month.

19 months ago, I said goodbye to my girl, Ella.

And although my heart was heavy and tears were on the surface, I could not help but smile and get real excited as the sun came out. I thought "Thanks Ella, maman needed the sun today".

So, on my work break I headed outside to enjoy the warm of this beautiful Fall sun by the waterfront, in a spot I have not visited since before Ella was born. And I just stood there for a while, reflecting on the last three years of my life and all that's hapened, I felt sad for the obvious reasons and grateful for such a beautiful day.

I then rejoined a group of colleagues outside. And as I approached them, someone pointed to one of my team member "ladybug - on you". And I stopped breathing...

If you have followed my journey, you know that Ella sends me ladybugs. In the weirdest places, with the outmost perfect timing.

What you may not know is there were very few ladybug moments this year and I would be tempted to say barely any. So this ladybug, landing on a dear friend, in between cement building by the water and staying there for a little while before flying up, up, up and away on Ella's angel anniversary was quite the sweet gift.

It brought the good kind of tears to the surface. It allowed me to focus for the rest of the day and feel content that Ella knew to take care of my soul today as she does so well on so many occasions.

And as I stopped by the cemetary later that day to bring her fresh flowers, I was pleasantly surprised to see a goose, lying down, a few feet away, just chilling, my heart heavyness was lifted once again.

I had expected a good cry and most definitely sadness, but instead, I once again said thank you to Ella, for sending me another one of my favorite winged creatures to cheer me up.

Thanks bubba, maman loves you!

PS - Take a look at the picture. It took a while for me to realize it but this one is the earliest recording of the many ladybug moments :)

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

Travelling the World

On Oct. 24, 2008...
Ella started to travel the world...

A hop on on a plane...
A stop in Winnipeg...
A much anticipated visit...
To meet her granpapa Kumar...
And her grandmamaman Kamla...
Her great-cousins and their families...

It was meant to be a month long trip...
Taking us...
From Winnipeg to Montréal...
To meet my side of the family...
And for me to enjoy my time off with my baby girl...

I still remember how Ella was quiet...
And happy, really...

While I stuggled to get answers...
For the problems I already knew we were facing....

Ella had gone in the day before...
For a second lung xray...
And by some stroke of luck...
Or rather what I call now...
Writing in the sky...
Ella was seen by the radiology technician....
Who had performed the first xray 10 days earlier..

And he remembered...
Ella...
My Ella...

Long story short...
There was indeed progress of the wrong kind...
In her little lungs...

And so I desperatly tried to get...
Radiology and paediatry to talk...
Even minutes before we boarded our plane...

Our flight took off...
With Ella in my arms...
Peaceful...

She fed...
And she slept...
In my arms...
And in her baby seat...

She played with my hair...
And smiled to flight attendants...
Oblivious to my worries...

Which came crashing in...
Minutes after we landed...

"Ms. Dupont, this is Dr. H...
We need you to come back to Vancouver...
To run further tests"...

As my heart sank...
I remember grabbing a pen and paper...
And noting on it...
A list of details...
I knew I needed to remember...
As my brain shut down...

My baby was sick...

I already knew it...
I could not prove it...
But my gut had yelled it...
From the day she was born...

I also clearly recall...
Asking Dr. H...
Who was requesting our immediate return...
If a couple of days would make a difference...

I had to take my girl...
To Montréal to meet my family...
Her family...

I did not know what the answer would be...
And I honestly can't say I would have listened...
Had the doc said don't go to Montréal...

It's as though I knew...
That it would be...
Ella's one and only...
Trip back East...

So we went to Montréal...
And when we arrived at my parents' place...
I was faced with telling Ella's other grandma...
Grand-maman Gigi...
My own maman...
And grand-papa Jacques...
That Ella was sick...
And that we would not stay...
As we had planned to...

Instead, we made the best...
Of the little time we had...

Ella met her cousins...
Samia and Renaud...
And she met my friend Anick...

She played with grand-maman Gigi...
She was photographed by grand-papa Jacques...
And actually was the superstar...
On a photo shoot...
Organized by her uncle Martin...

Ella also was pampered...
By aunty Marie-Claude...
To whom I later found out...
She gave a big scare...
Because of her laboured breathing...

The only ingredients missing...
Were my brother and his wife...
Who at the of our visit...
Were away on a trip...

It would have been a month...
Of time with family...
With friends...
With at least a visit to Québec City...
And another one to Ottawa...

It would have been enough time...
For Ella to meet her uncle Jacques-André...
And auntie Janic...

And then after that month...
Visits to Yellowknife...
And Trinidad...
Would have been complemented...
Possibly by a trip overseas...

At least that was the plan...

Fast forward 2 years...
And tomorrow, October 27th, 2010...
Will be 19 months...
Since I lost Ella...

And yet...
Ella has travelled the world...

Ella still travels the world...

Ella lives in the heart of friends in Ireland...
And Ella brigthens the days of moms in the UK...

Ella inspires families in the U.S....
And Ella shines in Germany...
As well as in many, many other locations...
Around the globe...

She has brought together...
Families from several countries...
Who just like ours...
Have a common diagnosis for this PVNH rare disease...

And so through her passing...
And in the mission she left me...

Ella not only travels the world...

But she lives in
British Columbia....
Québec...
Manitoba...
Ontario...
PEI...
Alberta...
Northwest Territories...
Trinidad...
USA...
Australia...
New Zealand...
Ireland...
Germany...
U.K....
France...
Belgium...
Austria...
South Africa...
Poland...

And Ella continues...
To travel the world....

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

Blessings for late August 2010

Her name is baby K...
And on Saturday, it's as though she showed me the way...

At a full 18 months old...
She is almost 7 months younger than my girl...
(there goes that lucky 7 again)...

And although we started the day as strangers...
K has become a close friend...

She is the daughter...
Of a friend of Ella's uncle D...
And a daddy's girl to boot...

Sporting blond hair and blue eyes...
She could not be further apart...
From my own baby girl...
From my angel...

And that is probably why...
I was able to so openly...
And so carefully..
Without a care in the world...
Spend quite a bit of time...
Getting to know baby K...

As she sang...
And danced....
And talked...
Blew kisses...
And bubbles too...

At aunty Trish...
And at her dad...

As we spent the day...
Getting acquainted...
Baby K...
Helped me feel whole...
Again...

Her breath so calculated...
Her hands so soft...
Her smile so bright...
She is one little determined little girl...

And after a day full day...
Spent so preciously being a toddler...
Baby K fell asleep...
For the 2nd time...
As I took her out for a stroll...

Far from the noise...
Far from the crowd...
On the quiet streets...
So that I could hear her...

Breathe...
Talk...
Sing...
And just be...
Baby K...

Blessings to you Baby K...
For helping me figure out again where my heart is...
And where it belongs...

Blessings to you...
And your family...

Blessing for D & Z...
And their lovely family...
For taking such good care of me...
For their friendship...
And for helping me through tough days...

Blessings for a busy weekend...
Spent outside being carefree...
And for good cries when I needed them...

Blessing to new friendships...
Laughter...
And smiles...

Blessing for uncle D & R...
For being so generous...
And weaving in...
Ella's mission...
Into Baru's anniversary...

Blessings for such a lovely weekend...
Spent doing a lot of nothing...
And recharging my heart...
For yet another day...

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

I Carry You In My Heart by E E Cummings

‎2 years ago on Aug. 14
I was due to welcome
Ella in this world.

Instead I am left
Celebrating the life of an angel
My angel,
Ella

Tonight, on August 14,
I came across
this amazing poem
I will share it with you.

I Carry You In My Heart by E E Cummings

I carry your heart with me
(I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it
(anywhere I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart
(I carry it in my heart)

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

Celebrating a Princess

In exactly 32 days...
I would have celebrated...
The life of a princess...
On your second birthday...

In exactly 32 days...
I am left instead...
With honouring...
Your second memorial birthday...

A day that would have included tiaras...
Dress up...
Pretty pink shoes...
Magic wands...
And likely a tea party...

Is now a day to fundraise...

Fundraise for families like ours...
Who have their world turned upside down...
When their child becomes ill...
And fights for life...

Fundraise in memory of an angel...
For families like mine...
Who just as I...
Never knew there was...
A rare disease...
Running through their blood...

Fundraise for moms and dads...
Who find themselves...
In a whirlwind of grief...
As parents without a living child...

In exactly 32 days...
I want to be having...
A princess party...
For my princess Ella...

In exactly 32 days...
I will...
Celebrate the life...
Of a princess...

My princess...

And in exactly 32 days...
I know that up in the sky...
Right there upon your cloud...

You will send me sunshine...
Songs...
And music...

You'll twirl for me...
Wearing your pink gown...
Pink slippers...
Your sweetest smile...

And of course, your princess tiara...

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels