Breathe

Breathe....
Simple...
Right?...

Definitely for you...
Maybe for me...
But absolutely...
Not simple...
For Ella...

On March 19, 2009...
Just as it happened a few times before...
Ella started to struggle to breathe...

How can this be...
When your child...
Is hooked on a respirator...
24/7?...

But this pattern...
Was too familiar to me...
So I saw it happen...
Right before my eyes...

Her oxygen level dipped...
And came back up...
And it dipped again...

Within seconds...
Her nurse was at bedside...
As Ella became agitated...
Her eyes telling me...
Something was very wrong...

It was clear...
This was not good...
As she dipped...
Harder...

By the time I realized...
What was truly happening...
Dr. Kent was with the RT...
Trying to move air...
In my daughter's chest...

None was moving....
And I started to panic...
While the RT tried her best...
But no air was moving...

I remember a demand...
Whether it was actually a command or a yell...
I can't recall...
But Heather, a senior RT, suddendly appeared...
To second Dr. Kent...

Colour had changed...
Hands were about to perform...
Extraordinary measures...
As I pleaded to Dr. Kent...
"What can i do?"...

"You've got to give us...
space to work"...

And I see myself...
Like it was yesterday...
Take my touch away from Ella...
Bring my hands to my mouth in horror...
And back a few feet from my Ella...
To the foot of the bed...
So that the team of experts...
Could make air move...
Into her little lungs...

I stood there...
For what seemed like an eternity...
But really it happened so fast...

Lungs fnally started to let air in...
As drugs were administered to calm Ella...

On March 19, 2009...
Dr. Kent and Heather...
Saved my daughter's life...

On March 19, 2009...
I knew that Ella's time was near...

On March 19, 2009...
A handful of people were witness...
To my ordeal...

And of my daughter's struggle...
To perform what should be...
The simplest of acts...
One we all take for granted...

On March 19, 2009...
Ella gave me the biggest sign...
That I needed to get ready...
And prepare her...
And me...
For what was to come...

On March 19, 2009...
My daughter showed her maman...
What a will of steel she has...
And yet how fragile her little body was...

On March 19, 2009...
I almost lost you again...
But on March 19, 2009...
You went on to give me a gift...

The gift of 8 more days...
To love you...
Cuddle you...
Play with you...
Touch you...
Kiss you...
Feel you...
Know you...

On March 19, 2009...
You sucked your little finger...
You counted your friends...
You danced...
You smiled for maman...
You touched my cheeks...
You continued to twirl my hair...

On March 19, 2009...
You gave me the bestest of gifts...

On March 19, 2009...
You breathed...
You lived...

Je t'aime mon ange!
Maman

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

7 months and 20 days...

7 months and 20 days....
Not what you’d normally call…
A life time...
But it is…
It is…
Ella's life time...

7 months and 20 days...
2 months of which were "healthy"...
And well, the rest you now figure out...

And yet, Ella was "healthy"!
As healthy as you can be…
When your lungs are poisoning you...Definitely so ill inside...
But remarkably so healthy-looking outside...
And in her mind…

Although Ella had end-stage emphysema…
Before she was even 3 months old...
You could definitely not tell...

Ella has a sparkle in her eye…
Ella has a grin on her face…
Ella has an intent way of looking right through you…
And captures your heart…

Feet up…
Hands waiving…
Ella dances to the music that plays around her…
And to the songs that drum in her head…

With King Louie…
With Pinky…
With Mula Visa…
Grand-Maman…
And Grandma…
With Maman..,
And Daddy…
Always with Ralph looking out for her…

Mischievously playful…
Peacefully restful…
From frail to plump…
Holding on to Daddy’s finger…
Smiling for Maman…
Ella grew…

And as Ella grew…
Her lungs got worse…
But you could hardly tell…

From the day she was born…
To the day she died…
Ella lived a full life…
The way Ella intended to…

Announcing herself as a surprise…
Keeping me on my toes and off my feet…
Peeking her head ahead of time…
Taking Maman for a ride…
Ella lived…

Ella went to a pub 18 years before it was even legal for her to do so...
Ella was on Facebook when kids 10 years her senior are not allowed...
Ella travelled across the country to meet her families…
Ella went to work… (Maman’s workplace that it…)

Ella was a die-hard football fan (go 49ers, go Dolphins!)…
Ella was a Canucks lover…
And Ella roared fiercely for the Lions…

Ella attended an LGBT travel show…
Where she was the star…
With the Dallas Cowboys (the shirtless kind!)…

Ella was a supermodel in Montreal…
Posing for an indoor photo shoot complete with lighting, talent and 3 photographers…

Ella was a supermodel in Vancouver…
Subjected to her mom’s kid Kodak reflexes…
And immortalized by friends, nurses and Jane from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep…

Ella went to the beach…
And Ella ate out at restaurants…
Ella was touched by the rain…
And thanks to Michele, one of her nurses, also by snow…

Ella went to birthday parties…
And collected stuffies…
Ella loved watching Stewie…

Ella breastfed…
And she held her own bottle…
Ella grinned as she lay on her sleeping Daddy’s stomach…
And Ella played rhymes with her Grand-Maman…

Ella had a first love, beside her dad: nurse Ryan…
And Ella had a beau (sweet Gavin)…
A best girl, Emma, who visited her so often…
And Ella learned to count…

Ella celebrated Halloween…
And Thanksgiving…
Christmas… and New Year…
Hawaiian Day…
And Daddy’s birthday…
But was sadly two days short of wishing Maman Happy Birthday…

Although she’d learned to say "Maman" – a precious gift that came as she was about to leave.

Ella was baptized…
And Ella was proclaimed a Saint…
By the father who presided at her funerals…

Ella felt the wind…
And the love of a thousand friends…
From far and wide…
Who 7 months and 20 days ago…
Had their hearts ripped out…
When Ella became an Angel…

And as I started the day…

The 7 month and 21st day....
The day when my daughter has been an angel longer than she’d been by my side…
I remembered the words of a very wise nurse…
Who believes like I do…
That we are all put here for a reason…
And that we all follow our own path…

Ella was and is beautiful…

As she continues to inspire me…
My family…
My friends…
No matter how long our journeys are…

7 months and 20 days is a life time…
7 months and 20 days is Ella’s life time…
As long as I live and honour her…
Ella’s life time will go on…

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels