Ella's First Crush

I originally wrote this text a couple of weeks ago to add in to the series of moments in Ella's life I docu- mented for BCCH Supercommunity ELLA - Everyone Loves Littles Angels. It should have been added yesterday, in place of Ella's First Halloween which I should have written today. Oh well, can't dictate a mother's heart and where the inspiration comes from right? Oh, and I've made slight additions to it too :)

So here it is.

It was October 30, 2008 and Ella had just been re-admitted to BCCH for the second time the day before. By this time, we knew Ella's condition was serious enough that she required oxygen therapy. We were on 3M, in quiet a corner room. And on that day, as I rocked my daughter, we met nurse Ryan.

Ryan was our third male nurse. Chris had been our ongoing nurse extraordinaire when Ella was born at BC Women's. And then on Ella's first hospital stay, we were fortunate to be cared for by Mark on 3R. But as we started this stay at BCCH, I noticed something in my baby girl's eyes when Ryan entered the room.... It was as though Ella had a glimmer in her eyes :)

It did not take long for both Ella's dad and I to understand that the glimmer was actually Ella's way of telling us she had a crush on Ryan. She would become so focused on him as he cared for her, and would be so playful, even more so than with other nurses. And she would just have that happy look every time he was around. We were blessed to have Ryan look after us (I say us because I was staying with Ella 24 hours/7) and Ryan was of such great help to me throughout this difficult time.

Fast-forward a month and a half and this time, we have been readmitted in to BCCH, and have already been transfered down to the ICU because Ella's state has greatly deteriorated. I am walking back to 3F where Ella had spent two nights to update the staff on Ella's state and I ran into Ryan. Upon hearing of Ella's return, he promised to stop by to see her. And sure enough, at the end of his shift, Ella received her first visitor in the ICU: her nurse Ryan. Although Ella was pretty sedated, I know in my heart she was aware Ryan was there to say hi.

And as we started what would be a very long stay in ICU, I thought my baby girl was so blessed to have a first love, besides Maman and Daddy, that loves her right back!

I am thinking of you today Ryan. And of all the wonderful caregivers that spend their life looking after other people's children in hope of making them better. And though sometimes, they can't do that as much as they'd like because life takes over, you always manage to make it easier on us, parents, and our little ones too.

Thank you - from Ella, from her dad, from me and from every single parent out there who's had a child spend a scary day/night in a hospital! With all my love and gratitude.

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

Ella's First Halloween

On October 31st, 2008 Ella had been back at BCCH for 3 days. That stay started with a series of tests which landed her in the critical care section of the ER. But by Halloween, she was already well settled into her room, a very spacious room actually, on 3M. That's where Ella and I spent a month together, day and night.

By some stroke of luck, Ella was the only patient in that room that normally could fit two patients. And that was perfect, considering I stayed by her side at all times. A small pull out chair, uncomfortable as can be, was soon replaced by a fold-a-bed. It was not the Ritz by any means but we managed. There was a TV, and we had a rocking chair which was pretty much dedicated to us. Oh, and a private bathroom too :) Luckily, there was also a small kitchen about 30 steps away from her room, equipped with a fridge, micro-wave, toaster and good things like milk, fruits, juices, bread and cookies.

Ella's dad came by daily. One of us would make the Starbucks run (venti chai latte and venti non-fat latte) and get the paper. Those days were filled with play time, rocking, reading and finger holding. It was also a chance for me to catch up on my sleep (I insisted on feeding Ella myself during the night for a good portion of the month). Sometimes we had dinner together with Ella. And several times a week, I'd get a home cooked meal.

October 31st remains a very important day in my mind. It was the day that Ella had her first "scary" procedure. It would normally be an easy one, but because she was just a baby, she had to be intubated and sedated for that one. Ella was having her first CT scan, in hope of trying to pin point the source of her trouble. We'd been cancelled twice already in the previous day and though I was anxious for it to happen, I was disappointed that it was on Halloween.

When we had been in Montreal, just days before, my mom had presented Ella with her very first Halloween outfit. I have to admit that on the spot, I was a little bit annoyed at my mom because I was looking forward to picking out an outfit for Halloween for Ella myself. But now, 5 days later and back in Vancouver without my family to support me, I felt blessed by my mom's love and her gift. It would have been impossible for me to shop for an outfit. And the fact that she had made me feel so much happier on a day where there was tremendous stress associated with Ella being intubated and sedated.

After Ella came back from the scan and was resettled in her room, we got a bit of a surprise. There was rumbling in the hall and giggles were heard... It was the Halloween parade! Patients and staff - all dressed up - were strutting their stuff in the hallway and poking their heads in where ever possible to cheer everyone up.

And that's when my mom's gift came in really handy. I quickly proceeded to dress up Ella. The costume could not have fit her more pefertly. And it was a zip up, with a little hood. Perfect for a babe that has 02 tubing around her! Hot, definitely, but oh so cute. The cutest and sweetest pumpkin of them all!

Soon, we had nurses and other staff knocking at our door. And then, people we did not know, people who had heard of the cutest, sweetest pumpkin and wanted to say hi :)

As I visited 3M yesterday with Linda, chaplain at BCCH, I felt a twinge in my heart and tears in my eyes. We stopped by the nurses' station to drop off a Halloween outfit. A little dalmatian outfit for a baby on 3M. An outfit that is perfect for a baby that has tubing and that can't be too dressed up. A dalmation cape, with mits and booties. A simple gift from Ella to parents who are unable to get an outfit for their first baby's Halloween... A gift that equates what my mom did for me last year...

And as I entered the ward, it all came back to me. The month we spent on 3M. The many nurses who were taking care not only of Ella, but of me. The fun times we had with Ella as a family but also withour friends who came to check in on us. And as I walked by her old room, I was floored... It had been a very long time since I'd been on the ward. And though I remembered exactly where her room was, I could not remember its number. There, in true Ella form, was her old room, room #27 (if you've seen my previous blog, you'll remember that Ella's all about number 7, always). I left the hospital with a smiling heart, thinking that whenever I feel down for whatever reason, Ella picks me right up!

And today, as I presented Ella with her new Halloween outfit (a set of pink angel wings, a tiera and a magic wand), I thanked my baby girl for giving me will, the love and the energy to pay it forward.

ELLA - Everyone Loves Little Angels

Tonight, there is a light

When we left the hospital to come home after Ella's second hospitalization, my little darlin' Ella was on home oxygene therapy. That meant that before we came home, I had to pack up all my candles (and believe me there were more than 2 dozens spread all around the house) and put them away with the lighters and matches so that we would not blow up the house by mistake. Considering we had over 20 canisters of highly combustible 02 in the living room corner, it was a wise decision.

One of those boxes of candles never actually made it to storage and has been by a table, in the living room for months. I walk by it every day, look at it and think, I should light a candle. And then I don't do it. It's been this ongoing "I should "then don't dance for months now.

The only exception to that dance is THE candle that is always lit in my room, no matter what time it is. It is Ella's candle. A candle I got for her when we returned to the hospital on Ella's third hospitalization. A wax, vanilla scented candle that back then at the hospital too was always, always lit. It spooked everyone at the hospital! Each doctor and nurse we encoutered for the first several weeks of that stay would just jump and panic at the site of it. What's a candle doing on a baby's bed in the ICU? Are the parents that crazy??? They all had the same reaction :) Ella's candle is battery operated but it looks so, so real! It became a running gag with caregivers just forgetting it was not real and jumping when a blanket would get too close. Irt had everyone giggling at the sight of a new nurse doing a double take upon coming near Ella's bed.

So, for almost four months now, there's been no other candle light in my house, though I love the flickering dance and the smell of candles. But tonight, something has changed...

Today was baby Trey's 4-month birthday. And because it was Trey's birthday, his mom Sharon lit candles in her home, as did her family and friends. So, tonight, as I imagine Ella giving Trey a tender kiss for his birthday, I lit a candle for Ella, and a candle for Trey.

Tonight, there is a light. And tomorrow there will one, and hopefully one less "I don't" too...